I think I'm moving into that acceptance mode where this isn't just something that is a week-long annoyance. This is something that is actually a part of my life. At least for the time being.
So I have no choice but to try, do I?
I need a plan. Right now my plan is to continue to deal with all of this with as much grace and dignity as I can. I am certainly not the first nor the only person that has dealt with peripheral neuropathy before.
So why has it been so difficult for me to bring myself up out of the hole of hopelessness this time?
I think this particular battle has turned scarier for me than the others. First off, the ED and the alcohol have both been things I have been fighting on and off for almost two decades. I didn't hone my attack skills against them until this past summer, but at least I was somewhat familiar with the enemy and I knew what I was going up against before I even started.
This time I'm going in blind.
I literally know nothing about what is hurting me. We haven't yet figured out what is causing the neuropathy to occur, and it is still progressing. I have lost the ability to feel sharp sensations from the knee down, and I have lost the ability to feel cold sensations on the balls of my feet. My hands are beginning to go numb on and off throughout the day and it is scaring the shit out of me. Until the doctors can find the cause, they can't stop it from going any further. (If that is even going to be an option.)
All of these "if's" are making me want to scream my head off.
So I need to channel it into something productive. I need to stop ignoring what is going on and I need to start paying attention to the information I am learning about this invisible enemy and using it to slow down this process as much as I can.
I way overdid it on Christmas.
I insisted on playing Santa. I not only helped with the wrapping of the tons of presents, which involved going up and down the stairs multiple, multiple times, but then I was also the one to wake up at 4:00am and do those trips all over again to get the presents into their stockings and under the tree. I went back downstairs to rummage through boxes to find the right lights for our "tree" (i.e. shrub) because my daughter was upset that we hadn't put any up at all this year with everything going on. It took me an hour and a half to get everything done and I paid for it on Christmas night. I was literally laying on the couch on the verge of tears because my nerve pain was SO BAD that I didn't know what to do. I was out of hope and patience and I just wanted this to stop.
But here's the thing. It's not going to "just stop." So I need to keep going.
I NEED TO TRY.
That's my plan of action. I'm learning from my mistakes and not repeating them again. I'm doing what I can to keep my body as healthy and strong as it can be to fight this thing as hard as it can without being able to see it, or LABEL it.
In other words, I'm fighting this sucker like a BADASS NINJA.
I like wording it like that. It sounds more fun. It sound more like the old B. The B before my toes started tingling on November 30th. I need to remember that I am still the same person. I can still fight just as hard. I just need to do it a little differently.
You haven't gotten my brain yet, f*cker.
I still have the most important parts. And that's all I need to keep getting everything I need out of life and giving everything back that I can. I can still enjoy my family, I can still enjoy the sun....I can still enjoy just being.
And I can still share my happies.
Once again, I've clawed my way back up. What is this? Time number 1,452? I lost count a very long time ago. I also learned a long time ago that it doesn't matter how many times you end up in that dark place. As long as you find your way back out, that's all that means anything. Everything else is just dirt. (Little reference to the ol' "Glitter and Dirt" wrap ups for my peeps! Woop woop!)
So, I'm back. Did I miss anything? Have the aliens taken over yet?? Fill me in please. I've been gone a while this time.
I really, really appreciate you all. XOXO