It's that time of year again.
If you are close to me, you know what I am talking about. The sorrow and guilt and feelings of being alone all bubble up to the surface until they go back under for another year. It's like the world's worst groundhog day. I can't stop reliving it. Every second of the before and the after. I have never had so many clear memories, but I remember every single detail. Our conversations we used to have. How honest and open we were with each other. How empty everything felt after.
I miss our talks.
I miss calling you about exciting news. I still think of you first when something super-exciting happens and it still takes me a moment to remember that you're no longer here. I hope your spirit is, I truly do. What happened to you made me question any faith I may have had at the time. It wasn't right. It wasn't fair. There was no way that could happen to someone so wonderful. So kind and funny. We used to laugh for the majority of our visits. Sometimes we cried together. In the end, I am sure that you helped me more than I helped you, even though it was supposed to be the other way around.
I'm sorry about the shoes.
I'll never forget that for as long as I live. I'll never stop wondering. I know you're not mad at me, wherever you are. It just wasn't in your nature. But you should have been. I've been mad enough for both of us. Mad at me, mad at the universe. The feelings may soften with time, but so far the edges are still sharp as razors.
I'm sorry I wasn't there.
I'm sorry I let you down.
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry.
I'll never be able to stop saying that.
This month is for you, my friend.
I am so glad 2012 is over.
This year was incredibly difficult for our family. I am hoping and praying that 2013 will bring us health, happiness, and some other things we have been wanting for a long while. I want to work on eating right, sleeping more, and crying less. I am so lucky to have the family that I do. They are supportive when I need them to be, and they tell me to suck it up when I need to hear it.
I've got my fighting pants on.
I am so ready for whatever this coming year brings. I'm ready to work hard for what I want, and I expect a lot from myself. I have recently cut back on certain aspects of my life that were holding me back and making me crawl deeper into my hole of despair. I am going to work out our finances so that we can afford some of these cutbacks, and it's not going to be easy. I am ready to do anything I can to be able to spend more time with my family and less time curled up on the couch not knowing what to do with myself.
I am sick of feeling sorry for myself.
I'm going to try to look towards the positive more and not let the negative parts get me down. I'm going to hug my child more, kiss my husband more, and just generally take in all that my life has to offer. I am going to be grateful for what I have instead of wishing for what I can't. I will be more accepting of my limitations and give myself time to breathe when I need it. I am not going to push myself to the limit like I did last year. I'm not going to break.
I'm going to move on.
Not quite sure what this entails, or how difficult it is going to be. But, I want to try. I am GOING to try. Try being the key word. I do not always have control over what happens or how things turn out in the end. I need to understand that I cannot single-handedly rule my family's universe. I need to let everyone fly on their own and learn their own lessons. I will not try to save the world. I will not take on more than I can handle.
We all know where that gets me.
Goodbye, 2012. Welcome, 2013!
Mother and wife by day, psych RN by night. So many different ways to view life. I try to take everything in and be very slow to judge.