My mind is all squirmy!!
Our daughter's birthday is coming up soon and we've been trying to figure out what to do for it. Now that we have procrastinated for this long, our options are significantly less to choose from. The trampoline place is out, the gymnastics place is out...if they had a roller skating rink near us it would probably be out as well. Thankfully, when I sat the munchkin down tonight and explained the situation she was very excited about going to the craft store and picking out a few different things that she and her friends can make/entertain themselves with for her party. I'm really starting to get back into the arts and crafts stuff, so this plan is right up my alley at the moment! I cannot believe how much has happened since she was born...it's like 2 different worlds!
Annnnd....onto a completely different subject:
I realized last week that I definitely need to make that appointment with the GI specialist. The nausea has returned (still no known cause, but my guess is simply stress) and I've dropped another 10 lbs since last month. That makes the total 35 lbs down since November. I look like a twig. I'm actually afraid to go to the gym at this point because I don't want to drop any more weight. I downloaded the My Fitness Pal app for my phone and have it set to encourage me to gain 1 lb a week. I believe it said I have to eat at least 1900 calories a day. I managed to do that today (I think), but I also realized how unhealthy a lot of the food I eat is! The fact that a bowl of ice cream made up for almost 25% of my daily calorie intake is most likely not the way to achieve my goal...so I'm going to start trying to be more careful with my choices tomorrow. I've also been trying to avoid taking my anti-nausea meds due to some of the more scary possible side effects. I should probably cut back on the amount of coffee I drink, but that isn't a priority at the moment. I'm also trying to use the e-cigarette more and the smelly, regular cigarettes less...it's a little easier than I thought! Hopefully that progress continues. ;)
So, other than the fact that I am feeling old due to the munchkin's birthday, and the fact that I'm slowly disappearing with this mysterious tapeworm...things are still pretty good! The anxiety levels have been pretty manageable and we haven't had any serious issues to deal with over the past few weeks. (Pretty damn good for us!)
Keep on truckin'!
My husband and I watched the Swedish version of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo movies over the past few days. (On Netflix instant queue - HIGHLY recommended...even if you haven't read the books!) At one point in the movie, there was a cab with an emblem on top of the hood.
My husband exclaimed, "Look! That must be an American symbol - it's an eagle with 2(!!) good wings!!"
I just turned and looked at him and said, "As opposed to one good wing and one gimpy one?"
He said, "Yes, then it would be a symbol for Sweden."
The waters are still.
For the past week or so, I've felt like I'm floating on a very, very calm lake. It's been phenomenal. I've gotten to spend so much quality time with my husband and my daughter that I haven't been overcome with anxiety every time I leave for work. I usually feel like I'm always trying to catch up on my mommy and wifely duties. This week, not so much! We've played games, watched movies, eaten dinner together the majority of the week....I know these all sound like little things that may be the norm for most people, but with our schedules it's like a holiday when we can all be in the same room together for 10 minutes straight.
I am so happy.
So. Blissfully. Happy.
Of course this is making alarm bells go off in the back of my mind. Good ol' panicky me.
So when's the bottom going to drop out?
At least I'm consistent.
Panic attacks are the worst.
I can't breathe, I can't move, I can't talk. I literally just hug my knees and squeeze as tight as I can while I hold my breath. None of this works, of course...but for some reason it's my body's natural response to feeling out of control. Gripping something tightly in my hand stabilizes me. I become super claustrophobic around people during the attacks. Unless you are my husband, it is a bad idea to touch me when I look like I'm a basket case. I'm no good with physical touch on a good day - on a bad day, I'm libel to instinctively lash out if someone tries to breach my personal space bubble.
I sat at home alone all morning the other day, just going in and out of attack mode. I'd manage to calm myself down and then something would make my heart take off again. It was absolutely agonizing waiting for my husband to come home from work. All it takes from him is a good, solid hug or a firm back rubbing to regulate my breathing. Have I mentioned yet how much I absolutely love and adore my husband? I honestly do not know what I ever did without him. Every feeling I had, every memory I made before him...everything was just so insignificant when I compare it to what we have together now. Seriously, he rocks my world.
Anywho...I'm off to search for more de-escalation techniques that could possibly work for me, as the ones I've been using lately aren't doing a damn thing. Keeping fingers crossed and hopes on the higher side.
I feel really bad for my husband lately.
I've been feeling really clingy lately, and it's a struggle to make myself get up and head to work or lay down alone during the day. I don't know what's set it off; but I'm sure it's some weird anxiety-based thing. I literally plaster myself to his side when we're watching TV together. I'm like some strange octopus with my arms and legs wrapped around him in a vice-like grip. It definitely helps me, but I think it makes him feel a little claustrophobic after the first hour...
We had a lovely weekend filled with lots of video game playing and football watching. Everything's been nice and stable around our house lately. We have very few financial problems, both have steady jobs that we love, and we have managed to keep our 6 year-old alive and healthy so far. So, why is my brain freaking out? What exactly is it that is setting off my panic alarm? I learned long ago not to question why it's happening...I just need to figure out how to fix it ASAP.
My next few days will be filled with bottomless cups of tea, my stinky microwavable bear, and my Lanolin. (That is what my husband has dubbed my fuzzy throw blanket.)
If you need me, I'll be out from under this rock within a few days!
Mother and wife by day, psych RN by night. So many different ways to view life. I try to take everything in and be very slow to judge.