You guys...I'm tired.
Not just regular "I need a pot of coffee to get anything done" tired. I'm more "I hate everyone and everything and want to run away to Mexico by myself" tired. My days have been bleeding together lately. I don't feel like I get any sleep. It feels like I lay down in my bed for my first minute really ALONE for the entire day, and then I blink and it's already the next day and the kids are yelling and peeing all over everything and running late and missing the bus and forgetting their snack that I PUT IN THEIR HAND before they walk out the damn door and I AM SO OVER THIS WHY DID I CHOOSE TO BE A MOM????
There is no break, and I'm not being all whiney or complain-ey. It's a fact. Even if you happen to find yourself alone in a room somewhere, or off on a treasured trip to the gas station where you can listen to your radio as loud as you want and pretend you are that attractive, free teenage version of yourself again, you are still on call. Literally. There is a good chance your phone will ring and you will have to handle an issue from 5 miles away. Or turn around and go home. There is no "me time" when you have kids. It is all about them, all the time. That is what we sign up for when we take on this job. The weekends are no longer time to unwind from work...they become 48 hours of children running around the house, breaking things and making messes and needing something done for them or given to them or answered for them every 5 minutes. They are for having tiny hands ALWAYS clinging to your shirt because your newborn has random separation anxiety (WTF??!!) and refuses to be put down. They are for trying to potty train your 3 year-old for WEEKS AND WEEKS and still having to change poop diapers. And they are for trying desperately to find some sort of sanity while parenting a middle-schooler.
"ME time" becomes "THEIR time."
The things that I have been doing to keep from diving off a cliff or changing my name and crossing the Canadian border vary from day to day. Some days, I just let them trash the damn house. I literally sit on the couch and let them run around to their heart's content and try to block out the sound that reminds me of some sort of frat party being thrown by small children. Some days, I have them do crafts with me. That always depends on my level of patience at the moment (it needs to be higher than average) and usually ends after 45 minutes because someone stormed off crying because they "aren't as good as me."
Seriously?? I've been doing this 3 decades longer than you have!
Sometimes I have to let my clingy little orangutan cry for a solid 10 minutes while I make dinner, because there are other people in the house who need to eat.
I'd like to think I get some bonus points for the fact that:
So, you know, self compassion. Be kind, you must. (3 is on a Star Wars kick at the moment...)
Don't judge other people and don't judge yourself. Keep doing what you can to make it through the days, and make sure your kids know that you love them. Usually, just keeping them alive will be proof enough.
You're doing good, Mom. You'll be okay.
Oh man. January sucked.
This didn't surprise me, as January always sucks for me. My depression always kicks in in the middle of winter and I start sinking down that hole. I'm used to it. That doesn't mean it sucks any less.
Instead of dwelling on the maddening (travel ban), irritating (Trump's tweets/Trump's administration/anything else related to Trump), and horrifying (the very fact that Trump is currently our president) things that happened, I am choosing to look at the other side of the coin. The silver lining. The part of the glass that is half full. However you want to put it, I'm focusing on the good vibes.
When Trump was campaigning, it seemed like a joke. Most people I spoke with didn't seriously think he had a chance in hell. They thought he was a laughing stock. They were embarrassed by his antics and the way that other countries were looking down on us. They just wanted the election to be over so he could GO AWAY.
Then he won.
Now came the feelings of disbelief, anger, outrage, and complete astonishment. HOW did this happen? WHO voted for this man? WHY did they vote for him? WHY is there so much hate running through our country? WHY WHY WHY WHYYYYYYYY????
For a short time there, it seemed as if our country had been broken - possibly beyond repair.
HOWEVER....I think that Trump being appointed turned out to be a blessing in disguise.
Let me finish!!
When I look at my Facebook newsfeed now, I see more unity and hope and empathy than I have about anything in over a decade.
The New Yorker put a picture of the Statue Of Liberty's torch being extinguished on it's cover. I don't agree with that. While I very much so believe that Trump is the epitome of everything our country has fought to fix in itself throughout our history, he has lit that flame for many people who didn't have a cause to fight for before. I see people standing up for each other all over the place. Protests and marches and petitions...pictures of people coming TOGETHER instead of being torn apart by the disgusting things our new administration is trying to do.
We are fighting a common enemy. We are fighting for the same cause. We all want freedom, we all want peace, and we want our neighbors to be happy and safe. Trump is threatening the very core of our country's soul. He is supposed to be the voice of the people. Instead, he is trying to silence us.
He is underestimating the power of the American spirit.
We will band together. We will fight back. We will win.
God Bless The USA.
Hang in there, folks. We've got this.
#UnitedWeStand #USA #Resist
Mother and wife by day, psych RN by night. So many different ways to view life. I try to take everything in and be very slow to judge.