I have officially declared myself a "creature of the night."


I honestly believe my body was assembled to run on it's own clock. I am WIDE AWAKE at 4am, which is when even the most seasoned 3rd shift workers start to hit a wall. I try to keep to myself and chatter as little as possible so that I don't overload anyone's already sensitive senses at that time of the morning. I just can't sit still, though! I'm constantly pacing around the office looking for new things to do. During the day, it's a struggle to peel my self away from the couch - it literally feels like it's the middle of the night for me. 

All of the doctor appointments I've had to schedule lately have been killing any type of schedule I'd managed to get myself on. I've had to try to shift back and forth between sleeping in the morning and the afternoon. Oh, and don't forget my nights off when I sleep at nighttime to try to make up for missing my husband all week! I literally don't have a specific time of day that I can absolutely say I can go to bed. 

I am positively swimming in my clothes these days.

So after months worth of not feeling well, weeks worth of testing, and a few afternoons driving to separate hospitals to be worked up, they finally came back with some kind of reason I have been feeling so ill. 

My stomach has forgotten how to eat properly.

This was discovered by the gastric emptying study they did the other week. Apparently food sitting in your stomach for twice the amount of time can bring on nausea. Go figure.

The doc insisted he did not know what had caused this in me, and also told me that my best option (other than to just suck it up, as apparently this problem NEVER GOES AWAY) is to take some non-FDA approved, causes sudden death in 1/10,000 people, ridiculously named drug that reminds me of booze every time I hear the name (which, by the way, is not the least bit helpful when you're already feeling like you have a hangover all of the time). Or, I can just stick with the antiemetic that may or may not leave me with tardive dyskinesia later on. Anyone what to weigh in with what option they think I should choose? Because honestly, I kind of think they all suck. Which means that I have turned into a petulant child at home, stomping my feet and crying over the fact that I don't want this diagnosis. I want it to be something else. Something fixable. 

On one hand, I'm glad they finally figured something out that proves that I am not crazy...all of the tests coming back negative one after the other was making me seriously doubt my own feelings. But now what? I just keep living my life like some randomly sea-sick person who may or may not throw up on you mid-sentence?

I guess you could say I'm a little bit frustrated.

Good thing I have the world's best husband at home who always knows how to make me feel better! (Which I'm sure also benefits him greatly as he is the one who has to share the bed with me.) 

Love you, dear!

Hope everyone else is doing well these days...sorry I've sucked at keeping up with everyone lately! I swear I'm going to try to rectify that now that we're turning over a new leaf. :)


    -  Pita

Picture me stomping my feet like a stubborn 2 year-old here.

It's starting again. That stupid roller coaster that I didn't want to get on the first time...let alone the 1,000th. I know what's going to happen, I know every twist and turn that's going to come along with it. Instead of making me anxious this time around, I'm just tired. I know I can do it again...I know it will end eventually. And I have no choice. Just like a diabetic who doesn't want to take insulin...or a cancer patient who doesn't want chemo. Obviously it's not really a choice, but that doesn't make it any more enjoyable! I will never feel it coming on and say, "Whee!! Here we go again!!" with any type of enthusiasm. I'll just sit here and let it wash over me and try to get to the surface for a breath of air whenever possible.

Sometimes it's like being a teenager all over again. And I was not someone who liked their teenage years.

Sigh. Just.....sigh.

Breatheandeatandsleepandbreatheandeatandsleep.  


 -  Pita