This has been the longest month and a half of my life.

In the past, I have utilized many different tactics to get rid of discomfort. My brain feels more comfortable being completely detached than engaging in silly human things such as emotions. I am in a completely unfamiliar place right now, because the majority of what I feel seems to be pain. Pain and panic mixed with a reprieve for an hour or so every once and a while. 

I am constantly bolting from one place to the other, one task to the next. I keep putting the most mundane things on my to-do list just to have something to be working towards so that I don't pause long enough to look at the wreckage surrounding me. I am hoping that somehow making it from one day to the next is doing SOMETHING to make a difference and one day I will look up and find that the sun is shining again and it isn't such an effort just to simply pull that oh-so-necessary air into my lungs. 

One day.

I feel like everything I do is wrong right now. I am doing this all wrong. This whole "life" thing. I appear to not be the greatest at it in many aspects. 

I keep trying though, which I hope counts for something in the end.

Off to make another list of ridiculously easy things to accomplish to try to kill time for the next 6 hours until I can fly away again.

Where is that peace I have looked for for so long?

   -  ​B

Tribe.

The word brings a sense of belonging and peace and home to my soul. I am so, so lucky to be a part of a tribe that continues to grow on a daily basis. I truly don't know where I would be without you.

Oh, wait. I do know. I would more than likely be dead right now.

My struggles have been very intense (AKA "Brenda") and literally life-threatening over the last few months. My downward spirals happen seemingly out of nowhere, and they are quick to bring me to a new bottom every time. It is absolutely terrifying to know that at any moment, something could happen that would send me into a tailspin and I'd be back in that dark hole, clinging to life with my very fingertips.

But, I know you all would be there.

You would be right there with me, talking to me and comforting me. Reminding me that if I just hang on for a little bit longer, things would once again right themselves and breathing wouldn't feel like such a chore. 

I am happy to report that I am writing this from above the ground, and that I have managed to claw my way back up to the sunlight once more with the help of everyone around me. I am so, so eternally grateful to you all. You have continued to love me when I can't love myself. You have continued to reach out and foil any attempts to hide or isolate. You have continued to push, yet stay at a healthy distance, love yet not make me feel smothered, and make me feel wanted and needed even when I feel like a speck of dirt on someone's shoe. 

Thank you.

Now, for anyone who does not currently feel as though they have a tribe: I challenge that thought. You more than likely have a lot of people who have your back and are just waiting in the wings for you to ask for their help. Utilize them. Ask for that help.

Like me - I'm here for you.

The best part about getting some of my energy back is that I can now use it to help others who have tumbled down Alice's rabbit hole and can't see the light of day. Please reach out. Anytime. I am here. We are here. You are not alone.

Sending you all so much love on this gorgeous Monday. Keep your face towards the sky and feel that sunshine today. Vitamin D, baby!

Be safe. Be well. Remember you are worth it.

   -  ​B

12 years.

That is how long I have been connected to another human being. Every single thing I have gone through or accomplished or lost has been as a part of that team. Suddenly, I am finding myself on my own and I have no idea what to do or how to feel. My brain is all over the place, and my body just keeps going all day everyday until I am literally so exhausted at night I fall into a deep yet restless sleep.

Who is B?

I don't seem to know anymore. I feel like a wisp instead of a person. It's like I vanished the day we decided to disband our partnership. It's like I'm going to blow away like a handful of ash the next time someone even looks at me wrong. I hate this feeling. It sucks. Deep in my brain (and my heart), I know that I am surrounded by strong supports. My tribe has been there for me through thick and thin, and their loyalty has never wavered.  

I wish I was better at reaching out.

Last week I landed in the hospital. The bottom kept falling out from under me, and I couldn't seem to run fast enough to keep from being swallowed up and never seen again. So, I was safely contained for a few days until I got my shit together. Theoretically, of course. I mean...I am home now and I still don't have my shit together. I have literally NOTHING together right now. I am a mess. A hot mess.

So...Thank you.

Thank you all for being here, for speaking up, for reminding me that I am worth being loved even when I feel like I don't deserve it. You have no idea what a difference that has made for me. I need support right now. I'm a mess.

​Please stay.

I promise I won't be this way forever. I am working on it. I just need you all to be patient. It is difficult and draining to be one of my supports right now, but I swear I will do the same for every single one of you if and when you need it. I suck at asking for help. I suck at reaching out. I like to just pile everything on my own shoulders until the weight literally suffocates me and leaves me in a heap on the floor. 

So, here I am, requesting assistance.

If you ever see any funny memes or anything else that might make me smile, feel free to forward them along to me. 

I love you all. So. Very. Much.

Stay safe and stay well.

   -  ​B

Hi, guys.

I just wanted to say thank you. The last few weeks have been the hardest I have ever endured in my 35 years, and I would not have been able to make it through every one of these days without my badass tribe. You guys have kept me alive and pushed me to keep seeking growth instead of just curling up and tapping out. 

I suddenly feel like I have no home.

After spending over a decade with the same person, everything is changing. With all of the changes comes the inevitable panic and paralysis because untangling 12 years of a life built with someone else is painful and horrible and sad and exhausting and soul-sucking and just plain SHITTY. So, I run. Or....I drive. I drive up and down the highway going to visit people to get coffee, or to go listen to messages of strength and hope to remind myself that my worst days may just be the beginning of my best days. 

You guys allow me a minute to breathe again.

You have no idea how much you all have helped. When my brain has seized up and tried to push me in the wrong direction out of fear or stress or all-out misery, you guys have been there. I live for the hugs I get from the people who actually care if I show up day after day. i want to get better. I want to thrive. I want to one day be in the position to help someone else who is going through what I am right now. 

So, I will keep pushing. And I will keep leaning on my friends to get me through.

I love you all so very much. 

You have no idea how much you mean to me.

Try not to have too Monday a Monday.

   -  ​B

Man, this is tough to write...

I am getting a divorce. 

We made it almost 12 years together, and that's a damn good run. The ending isn't loud and explosive, but the inevitable coming to a close of a relationship long since lost. 

I'm so tired. Bone-deep weary. Lonely. Angry. Sad. Numb. 

So many emotions. I can't keep up with my heart these days. I thank God for my huge tribe that has embraced me and held my head above water these past few weeks. You all have no idea how you saved my life over and over again. I am beyond grateful for every single one of you.

I spend all day everyday just running.

I literally cannot sit still. When I sit still, the monumental task of de-tangling 2 lives that had been built together with the intentions of never being disassembled seems absolutely Herculean, so I just don't sit still. I can't. I can't breathe. I can't stop shaking. I drive around and listen to music for hours. I count down the minutes until my hour of time with my tribe every night. I can't read, so I concentrate on breathing. I can't write, so I clean the house. I rearrange things. I fold laundry. I go and I go and I go until it is a late enough hour that I can take my bedtime meds and crawl into bed and pretend to sleep for a few hours. Then around 4, I start foraging for coffee.

This is my life right now.

I am sorry if I have been distant. I am sorry if I have seemed like I'm only half-listening these days. I promise I am doing whatever I can to get myself back. Until then, you all will be there for me, won't you?

I already know the answer to that, and I love you.

  -   B