So, today was my day to host playdate!
I was SOOOOO excited to have the kids over, handle whatever mayhem might happen and then give them back to their mom this afternoon. We were keeping them extra long because that means my kids can gtfo of my house one day next week for that same amount of time. Like, I had brownies baking in the oven for the little girl's birthday, I made her her own clay turtle, etc etc. I was ON POINT.
Fast forward 20 minutes.
I shooed all of the kids outside (the 4 year olds and the 11 year old) minus Baby Danger. I stepped out and had everyone line up for their sunscreen application (because I am on top of things, RIGHT?!) and I sprayed them all down. High-fived the last kid I did and turned around to grab the doorknob and go back inside.
IT. WAS. LOCKED. THE OVEN WAS ON.
WTF DANGER BABY WHY?!!! JUST WHYYYYYYYYY?!!!
One second of panic. Literally, just one. Then emotion shut off and my logical brain stepped in. I ran down to the shed to get the ladder. I climbed up to EVERY SINGLE WINDOW on the 1st floor to see if we had left one unlocked and I could climb through it. There were no unlocked windows. THE OVEN TIMER WENT OFF. No unlocked windows, oven timer going off, 3 kids starting to realize that this is actually a bad situation and the baby INSIDE the house had managed to not only get INTO the bathroom, but then shut the door to the bathroom and she couldn't get out. So she was screaming her ever loving head off. OMG, PEOPLE.
Click. Beth's super brain clicked on. Me: "Hey kids, can you just walk over there by the treehouse for a second? Just a second. I just have to do something up here and I want you to be a little far away from me, okay?" *big mom smile, reassuring grin, etc. The kids walked down to the tree house. I sprinted to the shed and grabbed our loppers. I think they are loppers? The giant scissors that cut branches down from our trees. I digress.... I counted to 3 in my head and then I WHALED on that window, man. Like, it was like a scene from a movie with glass going everywhere. I reached my hand in, unlocked the stupid door, walked over the broken glass (*crunch crunch crunch*) and rescued my Danger Baby from the bathroom, where she had thankfully NOT stuck her hands in the toilet. Silver linings, people. - B
That wonderful time of year when the stars align, the sun comes out, the cage breaks open and I am FREE!!!!
(Bipolar (hypo)mania, for those of you who are totally lost right now.)
I have been blessed with a wonderful little blip in my genes that makes the chemicals in my brain go a little wonky. MOST of the time, the effects of this cause me to be stuck on a couch, not wanting to talk to anyone, not having any energy to do anything, and basically just wanting to dig a hole and hibernate for the rest of forever.
Along with that minor problem that completely devastates much of my wintertime life, I get a small prize. It really is small. I imagine it as the best thing in world, wrapped tightly in a tiny, sparkly box with a big bow that I can fit on my hand. Light peeks out of the corners if you look close enough. Once a year, at a completely random time that my brain and the universe decide on, I get approximately 3 days of absolute bliss.
I'm not sure I will be able to do justice to the level of this happiness, but this is the first time I will try to put it into words while I am actually in that state of mind.
The world. It GLOWS. Every single color seems like it has been amplified just to make everything look pretty for ME. People seem nicer. I, myself, start many short conversations with the sole goal of making another random human smile for a bit. The energy level is so high my skin buzzes. I can do anything. ANYTHING. It feels as though I have been in a coma for eternity, and suddenly I have been told that I will get 72 hours to just DO WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY. And I do. I do every single thing that I can think of that makes me happy. I take my children on random trips to the beach, I do yoga on the back porch and watch the kids happily splash away in their plastic pool. I laugh and I joke and I am so witty they really should put me on my own TV show. I'm not kidding. I am very fun to be around when I am in this state of mind. Do you remember the part of the Harry Potter books where he drinks the liquid luck? THIS IS PROBABLY EXACTLY WHAT HE FELT LIKE. I am not exaggerating, I am not just writing to make it sound fantastic so that you will want to read this. I am living in a world where everything sparkles like it's been dipped in glitter and crystals and there is literally sunshine and sparkles and fun and peace and OH MY GOD I WANT TO SHARE THIS WORLD WITH YOU ALL.
It will eventually stop. Like a festival that lasts only a weekend, the vendors will pack up their shops and their little trinkets and balloons and hot dogs and rides, and all that will be left is a vacant field with a bunch of smashed cigarettes and random trash blowing around.
It is my very own small bit of magic.
I make sure to take it all in, roll with it, and fly (safely) once every year. It is what makes the hundreds and hundreds of dreadful days spent wanting to crawl out of my own skin, hide under a rock, scream into the void, and sleep for eternity completely and utterly worth it.
I wouldn't give it up for the world.
It is my own crazy secret (that is really not secret, but other people feel it should be.)
I will try to sprinkle some of my glitter as far and wide as I can over the next few days.
And now, I am off to ride this awesome wave for as far as it will take me.
Thank you for that little genetic blip, universe.
This morning, I had an epiphany.
I woke up, went into Baby Danger's room and grabbed her from her crib, brought her downstairs and set her on the couch, made her a bottle while putting the dog's collar on, hooked the dog out front for his morning business, went inside to see that my 1 couch child had multiplied into 2, finished making Danger's bottle, concocted a cup of chocolate milk, let the dog back inside before his barks woke the neighbors, delivered the beverage orders to the children, washed the coffee pot, stacked the dishes we managed to accumulate after I had cleaned every dish last night, put new grinds into the coffee maker, searched the fridge for the coffee creamer I KNOW I bought the other day but WHERE THE HELL DID IT GO????, changed Danger's diaper, put big brother's pacifier up on the shelf for the day, poured myself a cup of coffee, called to check in with child #1 at her place of residence this week, added 2 things to my calendar app for today, and passed out cheerios for everyone to eat.
AND THEN I had the epiphany!
I was sitting on the back porch totally not smoking my morning cigarette (of course I was smoking my morning cigarette because HOW DOES ANYBODY EXPECT ME TO QUIT WHEN I HAVE ALL OF THIS GOING ON!!!) and staring out into the woods behind our yard. I looked at the new "enclosure" I had made for Baby Danger over the last 2 days. I looked at the toys strewn about the lawn all around it. I looked at the hose connected to the silly flower sprinkler that makes the water shoot out in 8 different ways. I looked at the water table with my son's matchbox cars all lined up on the ramp. I looked at the kiddie pool with the magnetic fishing game that broke 2 seconds after we brought it home, but that the kids still play with regardless. I looked at the sign screwed to the outside of the gate that says, "BEWARE DANGER BABY!" And I listened to my son laughing inside as he and his little sister chased the dog around the living room.
I'm a good mom.
I don't even know where the voice in my head came from. It startled me.
I'M A GOOD MOM.
So much of the time, I belittle myself. I question each decision I make, every time my kids are crying because they are sad or angry or frustrated. I tell myself I am doing a bad job. I am not trying hard enough. I am lazy. I should clean more. I should sign them up for more sports and after school clubs. They should have more friends. I should play barbies with them more often. We should go for more walks. We should do art together. I should let them "help" me cook. I should let them stay up later. I should make them breakfast from scratch instead of just pouring cereal into a snack cup. I should make them lunch instead of letting them buy from the school cafeteria. I should, I should, I should......
I never stop to acknowledge any of the good things I do.
I buy them special donuts at DD when we go to pick up my necessary large iced macchiato every other day. I rock them to sleep every night, sometimes for an hour or more - standing up, sitting in the rocker, sitting on the ground....whatever is necessary to get them to doze. I make them special clay creatures to add to their imaginary games. I build baby-safe fences so that even the most adventurous baby can explore the outside world without getting herself stuck up a tree. I sing and dance when we wait in the checkout line at the grocery store so that it isn't so boring. I teach them to smile and say "hi" to make someone's day a little brighter. I calm them when they freak out. I give them pep talks when they are down. I buy them books that I know they will someday love. I draw them pictures of their favorite Disney characters on demand. I buy them random ice cream treats on hot days when we are heading home from running errands. I put suntan lotion on them and completely forget to put it on myself and then end up burnt to a crisp that night. I spray them with the hose to make them laugh. I hug them and kiss them and love them fiercely.
I AM A VERY, VERY GOOD MOM.
Stop wasting time listing all of your downfalls when you can get lost in the ridiculous amount of things you do right.
You're such a good mom.
Mother and wife by day, psych RN by night. So many different ways to view life. I try to take everything in and be very slow to judge.