It finally happened. I can breathe again.

If you had asked me a few weeks ago whether or not I thought I was going to make it to my 3 month mark in sobriety, I would have said no. Not because I thought I was going to relapse - I had no desire to drink. My depression had brought me back to that hellish landscape where it felt like the devil was on my back and the weight of it was going to sink me. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't sit still. I couldn't stand the sound of music, people talking, or the feel of the sunshine on my face. Everything hurt. Literally everything.

Something shifted.

Instead of allowing myself to be swept away by the rising tides of anxiety and hopelessness, I did something different this time. I did something that went against every fiber of my being. I asked for help. Lo and behold, people reached out their hands and proceeded to pull me out of that dark, lonely hole I had been digging. They came over and drank coffee with me. They let me cry, they made me laugh, and they gave me as many hugs as I needed to feel okay again. 

It took a lot of hugs, guys. A LOT.

This community has given me unconditional acceptance and love. The people I have met have welcomed me with open arms, and I am eternally grateful. I owe my life to them, and I hope to take what they have taught me so far and begin to do the same for the next person who walks through our doors, lost and in distress. You see, we know what it feels like to be monsters. At my own personal worst, I have done awful things and have hurt a lot of people. I will be untangling some of those messy knots for a long time. I have hope, though. And that makes all the difference.

When you take someone who feels like trash and tell them that they are beautiful, or loved, or smart or funny, you are letting them know that they are worth the air they breathe. You are allowing them to be themselves, however flawed or broken they may be. You are helping them to become whole again - sometimes for the first time in decades. It is a truly awesome experience to go from a nothing to a something. I felt like a nothing for a very long time. Addiction does that to you. It robs you of your sense of self and completely strips you of your dignity and moral strength. I, myself, wondered for 2 decades what my problem was. Why couldn't I just STOP?? Why wasn't anything enough to rid me of the desire to pick up a drink? My kids, my job, my husband, my home....none of it could alleviate the incessant need to pick up a drink. It consumed me, as I consumed it. I was a shell of a person. I was barely a wisp, struggling to survive the only way I knew how - by drinking.

I don't have to live like that anymore.

I am so blessed these days. I have people who genuinely care about me, and who know how I am doing without even having to ask. They have learned my quirks, my mannerisms. They like me for ME, and I have discovered that love is by far the best medicine. I am following my program, chasing sobriety and finding peace. My life is beautiful today. I am still flawed, and in some ways will always be broken. It doesn't matter. My tribe loves me anyway.

Find your tribe. Love them hard.

Thank you to each and every one of you - even those of you I have never met. You are appreciated, you are worthy, you are loved. 

Always, always.

Happy Tuesday, friends.

   -  ​B

Good morning, my loves. Happy Monday.

I hope everyone is rolling out of bed on time and ready to take on the day with a renewed sense of strength and hope. Mondays can be super hard, but they are also an opportunity to start a new week off right and maybe do things a little differently than you did last week. However you started your day today, just remember to keep putting one foot in front of the other. As long as you do that, everything else will work out in it's own time. Keep your nose to the grindstone, and one day you will look up and the sun will be shining a little brighter and the pain you have been carrying around will start to ease. 

I started drinking 20 years ago this year.

20 years of drinking. 20 years of swimming in a vodka bottle, trying to find a way out. Thank God I did. If you feel like you are at the end of your rope with any sort of substance abuse issue, PLEASE reach out and seek help. Get in touch with me, or ANYONE you know who might be in sobriety who can point you in the right direction. There IS a solution. Don't give up. Hang on. Breathe. You are not alone. You never have to be alone in that fight. There are so many of us here waiting for the next lost soul to welcome them in with open arms. Unconditionally. You are worthy. You are loved. 

Do not let yourself be defined by this disease.

It is an illness. Alcoholism and drug addiction are terrible things to suffer from. They so often make people feel deeply ashamed and disgusted with themselves. It can seem impossible to quit, and I give everyone kudos for surviving up until this point. 

I've decided to stop just surviving and start trying to thrive.

In order to do this, I have to back away from some of the people closest to me in my life. I have to use radical acceptance to let go of trying to please them and to just move onwards and upwards. I have to leave them behind. 

This is hard for me because I am a people hoarder. 

When I decide to be friends with someone, or to let someone into the deepest and scariest parts of my life, I never want to let them go. It takes a lot for me to open up to anyone about the thoughts floating around my brain. If you make it past my outer shell, kudos to you. It doesn't happen often. I don't give that part of me away as freely as I do others. If you have made it past my front gates, plan on sticking around for life. My tribe is my tribe. If I have had to walk away from you, I am so sorry. Know that it wasn't done without much consideration and extreme pain. It goes against every fiber of my being to cut someone out of my life who played a role in shaping me into the person I am today. It is not a decision I make lightly. It is also not a decision I will look back on once it is made. 

I am beginning to learn my worth.

I have made many terrible, awful, selfish decisions over the past 20 years due to alcohol. I have also made some wonderful ones. I used alcohol as an extremely unhealthy coping skill, yet it was a coping skill that worked for years. It kept me alive in the short term, but was killing me slowly for 2 decades. It was a tool that I was using to fight to stay alive. I can wish that I didn't turn out the way I did all that I want - history is set and cannot be changed. It is a waste of energy to wallow in self-pity and self-hared over the hundreds of mistakes I have made since 15 years old. It is time to suck it up and accept the past for what it is - done and gone. From now on, I am focusing on writing the rest of my life story. I will only look forward, no more looking back. I'm not going that way, right?

Please reach out for help if you need it. There is no shame in this illness. You are sick. There is hope. There is an entire community of people just waiting for you to show up so that we may welcome you in with open arms. We are everywhere. You just need to know where to look.

Have a beautiful day, y'all. Keep hanging in there. Keep reaching out to help others. You never know when you might just be saving someone's life. 

Thank you for helping me to save mine. I love you all.

   -  B

These past few weeks have taught me a HUGE lesson.

I tend to do this thing. I pile everything I possibly can onto my shoulders and try to will myself to keep walking until I eventually sink to my knees and can't move another inch.

Does anyone else do that? Not ask for help until it's almost too late?

I am a warrior.

I had forgotten that. There have been a handful or more of instances over the last few months that have really hammered into my head that I DON'T HAVE TO SIT STILL AND LET IT ALL PILE ON ME. People can say or do what they want, I do not have to stick around and let it affect me. I have two legs. I can walk away. I need to learn to walk away.

I am worthy.

I am worthy of love. I am worthy of being picked first. I am worthy of the pride people have for me. I am not trash. I am not junk. I need to stop allowing myself to be in situations where the people around me are watching me sink lower and lower to the floor because of the words or actions that are being thrown in my face. I need to be stronger. I need to SHOW my strength. 

I am not meek.

I was once the girl who kicked ass in Marine Corps bootcamp at 17 years old. I can still take most of you down if you put me in a position where I had to do it. I was a single mom at 21. I made it through nursing school with a baby. I worked overnights for 6 years, while taking care of my kids during the day, all day every day. I have been beaten down and stood back up more times than I can count. I have woken up so many mornings where I wished I was dead because of the chaos I had caused the night before. Still, I fought to live. 

I have crawled and clawed and cried my way to today. I am still here. I am still alive. I am still fighting. I will not lay down and admit defeat. 

I come from a long line of strong, warrior women.

We don't give up, we go harder.

Seize the motherf****** day, my loves.

I am so beyond grateful to have EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. of you in my life. You have no idea.

Keep crawling. Never give up. 

And always, ALWAYS know that you are not alone.

Much love.

   -  B