Yes, this is another post about my eating disorder.
Oh, I'm sorry. (No, I'm not.) Are you sick of hearing about me talk about ED? Are you sitting there like, "Jesus....doesn't she have ANYTHING ELSE going on in her life right now?? Why can't she stop focusing on this one thing??"
FIRST OF ALL....
I have to focus on this one "thing" because if I don't focus on it then it will spiral completely out of control again! I would rather not spend another entire season in a treatment center #thankyouverymuch. I am doing my best to keep moving in the right direction towards recovery. It is not easy. In fact, it is pretty much near impossible to do it without any slip-ups.
Here is my metaphor for this post!
Imagine being on a wild horse drawn carriage ride that is barreling down the bumpiest road, full of potholes and bumps, where you keep getting thrown out of the damn wagon and you keep jumping back in and trying to hold on for dear life. The best you can hope for is that you are heading in the right direction, but as you are really just trying not to die, you have no idea which direction you are actually heading in or what the hell is going on or what the hell you are supposed to be doing or how to get the damn horses under control and to find a road that is actually straight and paved and jesus how long is it going to take to get to the end and is there an end and OMG HOW LONG IS THIS GOING TO TAKE DON'T HORSES HAVE TO STOP AT SOME POINT I CAN'T HOLD ON MUCH LONGER!!!!!!!!
That, my friends, is recovery.
So. My life is all about focusing on that. My free time revolves around thinking about it, talking about it, making websites devoted to it. I have to keep it front and center in my mind so that I can remind myself that THIS is what is the most important goal right now. I need to remember to continue to work towards this goal every single day in order to live the life I want to live, to be the mom and wife I want to be.
My personal road to recovery has had so many ups and downs I never bothered to keep track. I literally take one moment at a time. I try to collect my "happys." I am mindful of all of the good things that I accomplish throughout the day. I have learned to accept any setbacks and to let them go and move on. I used to do the opposite. I'd throw away the happys, invalidating them because of my lack of self-worth. I'd collect my failures - it didn't matter how minuscule, and I'd keep them forever. I stored them up and used them over and over again as ammunition for my ED. I hated myself. ED hated me. It's easy to hate yourself when you've got a lifetime of failures in a filing cabinet in your head that you can call upon in a split second.
The game changed this summer when I flipped the tables on that bastard. I threw out that old jar of failures and now I keep the happys. Let me tell you, I like life a LOT better through this filter. I no longer spend all day every day berating myself. I smile and I mean it. I try to share my sunshine with others who are struggling because I actually have extra to spare these days.
So I'm going to keep my recovery at the front of my mind because that is what is working for me. If you don't want to deal with that, keep walking. This is me and this is what I am dealing with right now.
Stay well, my friends!
Did you ever try to make cookies out of your "own recipe" when you were a kid? Like just throw things into a bowl and expect them to turn into awesome gingersnaps or award-winning molasses schnitzerdoozles? (Don't even think about it - I'm trademarking it as we speak.) That is how I feel recovery is going right now.
I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL I AM DOING.
(Don't repeat that though, okay?)
I've finally finished residential and partial and I JUST got my outpatient team put together (haven't met all of them yet) so I'm just like "woo! I win! I win the recovery game! BINGO!!"
So where's my prize????
Seriously though. I have the basic ingredients here - a therapist, a psychiatrist, a nutritionist, a PCP, a meal plan, and a support team (my husband). So now we just make them t-shirts that say "Team B" and then they just kind of do their thing on their own and we're good for the next 60 years, yes? Because that's what my plan is.
I will make appointments with the team members, I will organize and clean my house, I won't do stupid things, I will not use behaviors, I will use food as fuel, I will use coping skills when needed, I will (try to) shower daily (*ahem* mostly), I will be honest with my support team (my husband), etc.
This is my plan. I have no idea if this is what my plan is supposed to be. However, I've ALWAYS been the one who just kind of flies by the seat of my pants and I usually seem to get to my destination all right.
I just need to remember that if one day seems really awful and terrible, odds are the next day will be much better. If I am feeling really shitty one minute, my feelings will probably improve within an hour. Nothing is permanent, everything is fluid. If you just ride it out, new days will come and the sun will shine again.
Just relax and hang in there kids. There is no finish line you need to be running towards. Stop and sit down and enjoy where you're at for a minute. You've got all the time in the world.
Mother and wife by day, psych RN by night. So many different ways to view life. I try to take everything in and be very slow to judge.