You guys, I'm tired.
Not just my normal #momtired - a whole new level above that. ED sucks. However, I have been so tired that I don't even have the energy to engage in my fights with the compulsions to use behaviors...so I guess that's good? (I haven't been using behaviors.) My nerve situation is terrible at the moment. Even typing this is difficult, because my fingers and hands feel like they fell asleep and it is hard to make them do what I want them to do. They're just stiff and uncooperative and it's frustrating. My legs have begun to go through periods where they feel as though they are made of jelly. Sometimes walking up my stairs turns in to crawling the last few steps. My limbs sometimes randomly hum like someone has attached a tuning fork to them. My exhaustion level is through the roof. My anger towards whatever the hell is wrong with my brain is beyond measure.
I am taking a break.
My neurologist called me this morning to let me know that my MRI report came back with no lesions. So, yay! Not MS! My blood tests are all within normal ranges. Yay for good blood work! Nothing to explain what is causing this or how to fix it. The only options we have are to try to alleviate some of the symptoms by adding more meds. MORE MEDS.
I said no, thank you.
She really is a wonderful doctor. One of the best neurologists in Boston. She understands why I am not at a point where I would like to repeat the EMG just to see exactly how much more my nerve function has declined. The test hurts, it won't tell us what is causing this, and it won't help us to fix it. It will just track the destruction. I'm just not up for it.
I told my therapist I need a break.
There are so many things going on right now that I needed to give myself room to breathe. I need those 2.5 hours of travel and appointment time to allow myself to sit still and recharge so that I can make it through the week without completely falling apart.
I'm just going to take a minute to step back, relax, and reassess my priorities.
I'd really like a nap right now.
I hope you all made it through the Thanksgiving holiday unscathed, and that you are looking forward to the upcoming holidays. Basking under some Christmas lights might make up for the lack of warmth this time of year.
Stay well, friends.
It's that f*ing time of year again.
Seasonal depression. Who's with me?? This is so incredibly insane. I do not understand why this has to happen. I was doing pretty good a few weeks ago. Coasting along, working on some issues, hanging in there. Then it happened.
SNOW. F*ING F F F F*ING SNOWWWWWW!!!!!
I'm not sure if it was merely the fact that I was not aware that we were even supposed to get snow that day, or what it was, but about 1 hour after the snow started to fall (and began to stick around), my anxiety and depression ratcheted up 50 notches. My brain was literally freaking out and trying to scream at the universe that it is WAY TOO EARLY FOR SNOW AND WE ARE NOT READY YET THANKYOUVERYMUCH!!!!
And the universe is all, "Um. You live in New Hampshire. Suck it up."
No, YOU suck it up, Universe!
I am seriously losing my sanity more and more as the minutes tick by....
Did I mention we don't sleep anymore here? And by "we", I mean myself and our almost-one year-old. She has been going through the teething gauntlet for the past few weeks, and is trying to grow 6 teeth all at once. She has managed to perfect a scream that makes my ears actually hurt, and therefore she does this every 5 seconds. Not even joking. The shrieking never stops. It would totally work for torturing enemies, if the government was looking for new suggestions. I'm tired, my meds aren't working, my ED is a super big struggle right now, and I pretty much just hate the entire world.
Good thing I stored up as many good memories as I could this summer....? One would think that once the old meds are out of my system, and the new meds are in....things should calm down some, no? Of course, stopping a med where I am on the max dose is probably going to screw up my brain even more. Then, I am starting a new med that is in the family of meds that I always have those pesky side effects with for the first few weeks where I want to tear all of my skin off and scream at the top of my lungs because everything. just. feels. so. bad. Theoretically, it will all be worth it if this med actually works properly in the end. Theoretically.
Mental health issues suck so, so much.
Everything is bad and I need a nap.
Be nice to everyone you encounter. They may be quietly going crazy, too.
Mother and wife by day, psych RN by night. So many different ways to view life. I try to take everything in and be very slow to judge.