I began a partial day treatment program for my eating disorder. Again. I am not happy with myself about it, but it is what it is. I dropped the ball by shifting my focus all in one direction and I allowed my old behaviors to grow and flourish and now I can't get them back into check without outside help. I wish I could just snap my fingers and make my relationship with food more normal, but I can't. I'm sorry to everyone that this is affecting (again), and I promise I am giving it my all to turn this around and get back on track and back to normal life.
Speaking of "normal" life.
I'm moving on Saturday. This weekend is going to be hell. I'm so lucky and so grateful for all of my friends who have already or are going to help me with this move. I'm probably going to be a complete wreck, and there are no other people I would be around if I am going to completely fall apart than my tribe. We did this thing in program yesterday where we had to list specific people as our supports and their roles in our lives. So many of you were listed as people I am able to call in the midst of one of my many crises, or as someone who just makes my soul light up when I see their face because they are my own personal piece of the sunshine, or just as wonderful huggers or listeners or handlers for me when I am sobbing uncontrollably and can't breathe.
From the bottom of my heart. I know that I don't say it enough. I couldn't possibly say it as much as it is due. When I am not doing well, I get quiet. I have barely spoken in the last week. You guys have kept poking at me to get me out of my shell and not bottle up all of my thoughts and emotions that I am so used to just obliterating with bad habits. I keep showing up to my nightly meetings, and no matter how miserable I look or feel while I am there, I am so much better after being around my people. That's why I keep going.
PS - Divorce is so hard. Really hard.
I know a lot of you have been through similar situations to mine, and I know the majority of you can imagine just how much it sucks. My ex and I were together for 12 years. We grew up into real adulthood together. This process has sucked beyond belief and physically takes the breath out of me so many days. I spent an hour curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor last night, sobbing. It sucks, and I am very, very sad. The negative emotions that go along with this are awful. The hurt coming from both sides seems unbearable for all. We are both incredibly lucky not to have to go through it alone and to have our own strong supports to hold us steady in such a scary and uncertain time.
Thank you all. From the bottom of my heart.
Now I'm off to teach my brain to think of food as nourishment and not something that is trying to kill me.
Wish me luck.