That is how long I have been connected to another human being. Every single thing I have gone through or accomplished or lost has been as a part of that team. Suddenly, I am finding myself on my own and I have no idea what to do or how to feel. My brain is all over the place, and my body just keeps going all day everyday until I am literally so exhausted at night I fall into a deep yet restless sleep.
Who is B?
I don't seem to know anymore. I feel like a wisp instead of a person. It's like I vanished the day we decided to disband our partnership. It's like I'm going to blow away like a handful of ash the next time someone even looks at me wrong. I hate this feeling. It sucks. Deep in my brain (and my heart), I know that I am surrounded by strong supports. My tribe has been there for me through thick and thin, and their loyalty has never wavered.
I wish I was better at reaching out.
Last week I landed in the hospital. The bottom kept falling out from under me, and I couldn't seem to run fast enough to keep from being swallowed up and never seen again. So, I was safely contained for a few days until I got my shit together. Theoretically, of course. I mean...I am home now and I still don't have my shit together. I have literally NOTHING together right now. I am a mess. A hot mess.
Thank you all for being here, for speaking up, for reminding me that I am worth being loved even when I feel like I don't deserve it. You have no idea what a difference that has made for me. I need support right now. I'm a mess.
I promise I won't be this way forever. I am working on it. I just need you all to be patient. It is difficult and draining to be one of my supports right now, but I swear I will do the same for every single one of you if and when you need it. I suck at asking for help. I suck at reaching out. I like to just pile everything on my own shoulders until the weight literally suffocates me and leaves me in a heap on the floor.
So, here I am, requesting assistance.
If you ever see any funny memes or anything else that might make me smile, feel free to forward them along to me.
I love you all. So. Very. Much.
Stay safe and stay well.