Chaos is about to reign.
Calm down - this is not a political post. (I have yet to be able to put my thoughts on this election into coherent words and am instead just finding solace in all of the #Jobama memes that have been going around. I'm really going to miss those guys...)
No, I am referring to the fact that we are about to go from 2 children to 3 very shortly. VERY shortly. Less than a month away. This is terrifying to me. I am pretty sure my husband is still in denial about all of this because he is a lot calmer than I am and THAT IS NOT THE NATURAL ORDER OF THINGS IN OUR HOME!!
It just hit me a few days ago.
I have also been in denial. My stomach has been growing larger and larger, but there is still that moment where I still wonder why I am having so much trouble standing up from the couch. (I have to do the whole roly-poly bug thing a few times in order to launch myself up from a sitting position.) I have painted the nursery and emptied it of everything that did not have to do with a newborn. I have slowwwwwwly been accumulating baby things that we will definitely need within the first few weeks of her birth.
Gahhhhhh I just remembered we need tiny socks. SOCKS!!!!! Her feet are going to get frostbite and fall off WHATKINDOFPARENTSAREWETOFORGETSOCKS?!?!!?!?!?!
I was sitting in said nursery the other day, folding all of the tiny little outfits that look like they were made for dolls and it hit me.
THERE IS GOING TO BE A BABY IN THIS ROOM VERY SOON.
So, panic ensued. We have this whole parents-of-two-kids thing down to a science these days. We are so familiar with the routine and who gets assigned which gross jobs that my husband and I could go without speaking to each other for days and nothing would be thrown off track.
Come to think of it, sometimes we do forget to speak, unless it is in the voices we are using to convey what we think is running through his little mind at that very moment.
I am exhausted already. With the preteen and the toddler who is going through a very rebellious phase, I am sure we are stretched as far as we can go sanity-wise.
WHY DID WE THINK THIS 3RD CHILD WAS A GOOD IDEA!?!!
In my defense, I blame my husband. (This is only because he tells everyone he blames me.)
I know that we will adapt, and I know that a year down the road it will be as though she has always been there and we won't be able to imagine life without her. I'm just worried about that first month. Or two, or three. The great unknown where we could be dealing with anything from weird reflux issues or colic or her being a total nightowl who refuses to so much as blink after the sun goes down.
Terrified, people. I am terrified.
I am still doing the stay at home mom thing and dealing with the neuropathy in my feet. So, YAY! Figuring out this new schedule will very much be lying on my shoulders. My lovely husband gets to flee the house for hours and hours at a time and speak to other ADULTS and DO THINGS and get a LUNCH BREAK!
(I know you work very hard when you are not at home, dear. I'm just very jealous of those small perks you get...)
So, here we are. Add to all of that the apprehension of the post-baby body and how my ED is going to deal with it. It's sucked enough being pregnant and having the compulsions to use behaviors, but at least I've had another child being affected by all of my choices. This body will be mine and mine alone again in less than a month. .....yay??.....
I'm sure it will all settle down very soon.
Fingers crossed for no colic, reflux, or insomniac tendencies!
Stay well. Hang in there. I know it's been a rough week all around. Everything will right itself soon enough.
Lately, I have caught myself staring out the window and just reveling in the sense of peace I have found here. Home. My home. Where I have kids, a husband, a dog....big windows, sunshine coming in from all around. Rooms filled with things we have picked out, things I have made.
This is ours. Literally ours. Our little piece of earth.
I am appreciating every minute I have here.
I fully understand that this sense of calm will not last forever. I know that there will be many times in the future where I will be unable to see the beauty and wonder filtering through the glass. I am hoping that if I fully immerse myself in this current feeling of tranquility, I will be able to recall and revisit it when my mind locks me away again. These past few months have been the best that I can remember ever having. I have had difficult days, and I have definitely struggled throughout. But I am almost always able to see beyond the fog when it swirls around me.
So, I am basking in it. I am not taking it for granted. I am looking and seeing the world around me. I am not allowing myself to rush though. I am not letting my mind twist my nerves so tight that I can't even get off the couch. I am living as much as I can in the moment.
We have no control over when the floor drops out from beneath us. It will come as a surprise, and it will be awful.
But, I still had this minute of peace. It is imprinted on my mind. It cannot be taken away and I will marvel in every color, every scent, every single bit of wonderment that my soul is able to absorb.
My home. My family. My life.
There is peace here.
I'm about to write about a taboo topic.
Eating disorders and pregnancy.
A lot of people seem to think that if you suffer from an eating disorder it magically fades into the background when you get pregnant. Maybe that's true for some people?? If it is, I wish I were that lucky.
It doesn't disappear. It does, in fact, get louder.
I'm not saying that I am over here using behaviors. What I am saying is that the fight has been constant and exhausting since I found out about this new baby. There are so many (SO MANY!!) misconceptions about eating disorders. The majority of the population who do not battle with one can't even begin to understand what it is like.
Let me enlighten you.
When I found out I was pregnant, I was shocked. Not too far behind that followed elation. Of COURSE I want to be a mom to 3 kids! I love being a mom. I love the snuggles and the hugs and the good days and the bad. I love the constant challenges and the insane problem solving that comes with trying to help to shape what starts as a tiny blob on a screen into a happy, functional adult.
I LOVE IT.
What I DON'T love is the barrage of disordered thoughts that come along with pregnancy symptoms. Hormones go crazy, hunger increases (as does nausea for those of us lucky bastards who suffer from "morning" (aka ALL DAY LONG) sickness.) and clothing sizes go up. None of these things are avoidable. All of these can trigger ED thoughts.
So now you have all of these things making you feel mentally and physically worn out. Add to that the shame of having ED urges in the first place.
What kind of sicko would still feel temptation from their ED when they are supposed to be growing another human being in their belly??
The disorder doesn't just go away. What actually happens is the level of guilt increases exponentially. More triggers, more urges, more of all of the negative aspects of the ED continue to attack.
So, it's extremely tiring. And depressing.
I wish I could just enjoy being pregnant without having to worry about the monster that attacks my brain and seems hell-bent on grinding my soul to dust.
I'm not going to let it win.
So I keep fighting. I keep screaming back at the voice in my head trying to get me to do awful, disgraceful things.
The urges may still be there, but that doesn't mean I have to follow through on them.
Go away, you fool. You're not welcome here.
I'll never give up.
The past month has been very busy/hectic/crazy/overwhelming. I didn't even realize it had been so long since my last post. Now that I think about it, the past few weeks probably would have been a little easier/happier/warmer had I used this outlet to empty my brain.
Writing that makes me anxious, which then makes me angry.
I'm not anxious about having another baby (this will be #3), or at least not more anxious than I can cope with. I'm anxious because I know what people's reactions to that will be.
Seriously? Another one?
Do you really think this is the best time?
How are you going to be able to manage??
Is this really fair to the 2 kids you already have??
How can you possibly afford this??
Great. Just typing those out made me furious again.
I pride myself on minding my own business (most of the time) and tend to get really perturbed when I see a person being judged by someone who only knows the absolute basics of the situation.
YES, ANOTHER ONE. Of course this is not the best time, but when would have been? We will manage the same way we always have - we do what we need to do to deal with any problems that arise. Um, I'm pretty sure that giving our first 2 kids another sibling is just adding to the list of people they will have to love and support them throughout life. And as for the last question - I would never, EVER assume to know everything about your financial situation and it is COMPLETELY inappropriate to comment on mine. Nobody is going to be wanting for anything, and there will be plenty of food for all of our mouths. Just stop talking.
Why does everyone doubt me so much?
Yes, I've had more than my fair share of problems throughout my life - I'm certainly not the only one who has had to deal with setbacks. I'd like to think that I've shown time and time again that whatever I am up against I am able to overcome.
What I'm trying to say is....keep your opinions to yourself. You are not the one having this baby, you are not going to raise this baby, you are not going to be financially funding this baby.
So, unless you plan on being a positive part of our family's life, turn around and walk away.
I don't have time to worry about someone else's ideas on how we should be living our lives.
We like our life just the way it is.
A HUGE, HEARTFELT THANKS TO ALL OF OUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY WHO HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT SUPPORT US AND REMIND US THAT IT IS JUST FINE TO BE HAPPY ABOUT HAVING ANOTHER CHILD.
There is more than enough love to go around.
Anna and Nell at your house, circa 2007. Nell always was good at trying to grab a bite of food. (It helped that she was, like, 5 feet tall!)
It's that day again. The one we hate. The one where you were taken from us so suddenly and unfairly. The one where I wake up and see the calendar and the back of my neck starts to burn while I feel like a swarm of bees has taken over my stomach.
I miss you.
My brain still doesn't understand you are gone. There are so many days where something will happen and I will automatically think, "I can't wait to tell her!" And then I immediately remember and it feels like someone just knocked the wind out of me.
I still tell you, but it's a silent, one-way conversation inside of my head.
There are so many things going on this year that would have made epic talks between us! Donald Trump is running for president. PRESIDENT. OF THE UNITED STATES. I am sure this would have been discussed on a regular basis as he is constantly making a fool of himself with the racist comments and the impulsive Twitter rants. OH MY GOD, I WANT SO BADLY FOR YOU TO COME BACK SO THAT WE CAN HAVE THOSE CONVERSATIONS.
Did I mention we are moving?
I finally convinced My Michael (not to be confused with yours, as usual!) to move up north. I would have brought him over to talk to you at least a few times so that you could help me to build up his excitement about this. It's hard doing it on my own, and nobody could do it better than you. He thought you were pretty damn awesome. (Because you were pretty damn awesome.) And this whole online house search is for the birds, Carol. I have a list of at least 30 houses to check out that I need to whittle down. I just can't choose!! You would have helped me to talk through it and knock a bunch off of the list so that it is more do-able.
Graham really grew up this year.
I know that kids are like weeds with the whole growing thing, but Graham has made so many exciting strides! He went from not being able to chew ANYTHING to having an entire bowl of Rice Chex cereal yesterday. A WHOLE BOWL! This was such a giant leap from where he was just a month ago. And he talks so much now! I would have brought him with me sometimes, just like I did with Anna when she was his age. We would have laughed at all of the words he comes up with. (Laughing was kind of our thing. Nobody was funnier than the two of us when we got together.)
Last, and not quite least there's the whole crocheting thing I've gotten into this year.
I would have made you a scarf. It would be warm and fuzzy, and most importantly IT WOULD NOT BE GREEN! (You know, that color you hate?) I would have picked a nice blue, and I think you would have really liked it.
Another year and I still miss you like you were here just yesterday.
I'm still waiting for the year where I wake up and it is less of a shock to my system when I remember.
After 8 years, I don't think that day is ever going to come.
I really, really miss you.
22 weeks down, 18 to go!
It looks like my new little one is going the same route as his big sister. He is trying to give us gray hairs before he is even outside of my belly! I've been having contractions on and off for the past few weeks and ended up being monitored in L&D for a few hours last week when they refused to settle down at home. Eventually they did, and after a little bedrest, I was as good as new! It helps that Waffle is kicking up a storm...he lets me know he's in there and he knows exactly what is going on. The best part is when his dad talks to him in his different voices. I keep telling him he has to use his regular voice so that Waffle becomes acquainted with it, but then I quickly realized he uses different voices ALL THE TIME. Therefore, Waffle should become acquainted with the creepy-ransom-demanding-I-just-stole-your-child voice he's been talking to my belly with just as much as his screaming goat noises. Those are considered regular sounds around our home!
I am really, really getting excited to see what this little guy looks like. I definitely think I'm going to cave and get a 3-D ultrasound sometime in the next few weeks. I'm possibly the most impatient person on the planet, so this should surprise no one! We are also almost fully-stocked on baby supplies and are ready for him to get here any time after 38 weeks. I've been doing a lot of shopping on the yard sale website....it's like yard sale-ing, but it can be done from your couch and it doesn't have to be a Saturday or Sunday at the ass-crack of dawn. (Shout-out to my sister-in-law for introducing me to it!!)
I'm going to go put my feet up and continue timing these contractions to make sure they are fake ones and nothing to be concerned about. I've become a pro at this. Stay in there, Waffle!! Try to be more patient than your mother is...
It's time to get excited!
We are so, so happy to be able to announce the upcoming addition to our family. The picture shows his little alien-like face looking straight at us. So far, no beard in sight! We were lucky enough to be able to determine the gender at 15 weeks, and he is all boy! Truthfully, I'm a bit nervous. I've never raised a boy from scratch before and am not sure what it will entail. I'm beyond impatient already and find myself daydreaming about this Christmas season with our new little one joining us. (Unless he is like his big sister, who decided to hang out inside my belly for an extra week before the doctor insisted she vacate...)
Our 8 year-old is going to make a fantastic older sister. She's already thinking she's going to be left in charge of him from the day he is born. I'm hoping this means she'll be exited when we have her babysit FOR FREE as a teenager....HAH! Anyway, things are going very well so far. Anna has named him "Waffle" for the time being and the name has stuck. We've moved into the second trimester, so a lot of our worries and fears have subsided significantly. Now I'm concentrating on eating all of the healthy good-for-me foods I can....and then lots of ice cream to top them off. :) 5 1/2 short months until he arrives!! I'm loving the second trimester compared to the first. On top of all of our anxieties, I had awful morning sickness/random pains/headaches/etc that felt like they'd never let up. Now I just feel like I'm rapidly expanding and am keeping my fingers crossed that the stretch marks stay away.
The one constant symptom I've had is overwhelming fatigue. I wake up in the morning already counting down the hours until I can crawl back into bed again. I frequently take naps, which can hardly be called "naps", as they are sometimes multiple hours long. My husband and daughter have been incredibly patient and kind which I am eternally grateful for.
I am so lucky to have all that I have.
I am so glad 2012 is over.
This year was incredibly difficult for our family. I am hoping and praying that 2013 will bring us health, happiness, and some other things we have been wanting for a long while. I want to work on eating right, sleeping more, and crying less. I am so lucky to have the family that I do. They are supportive when I need them to be, and they tell me to suck it up when I need to hear it.
I've got my fighting pants on.
I am so ready for whatever this coming year brings. I'm ready to work hard for what I want, and I expect a lot from myself. I have recently cut back on certain aspects of my life that were holding me back and making me crawl deeper into my hole of despair. I am going to work out our finances so that we can afford some of these cutbacks, and it's not going to be easy. I am ready to do anything I can to be able to spend more time with my family and less time curled up on the couch not knowing what to do with myself.
I am sick of feeling sorry for myself.
I'm going to try to look towards the positive more and not let the negative parts get me down. I'm going to hug my child more, kiss my husband more, and just generally take in all that my life has to offer. I am going to be grateful for what I have instead of wishing for what I can't. I will be more accepting of my limitations and give myself time to breathe when I need it. I am not going to push myself to the limit like I did last year. I'm not going to break.
I'm going to move on.
Not quite sure what this entails, or how difficult it is going to be. But, I want to try. I am GOING to try. Try being the key word. I do not always have control over what happens or how things turn out in the end. I need to understand that I cannot single-handedly rule my family's universe. I need to let everyone fly on their own and learn their own lessons. I will not try to save the world. I will not take on more than I can handle.
We all know where that gets me.
Goodbye, 2012. Welcome, 2013!
I am a collector of black sheep.
I guess I should back up a little and explain. I have referred to the most influential people in my life as my "black sheep" for as long as I can remember. I had met about 3 of them before I graduated high school, and now I'm up to about a full dozen. These people have either said or done something that has impacted my life in a very important, lasting way.
The one who told me that it was up to me to save myself.
The one who showed me I could truly accomplish whatever I put my mind to.
The one with the unshakable spirit and never-ending kindness.
The one who never judges anybody. Literally nobody.
So many ways that I could list...so many specific moments that made me change my course and start down another path. All of them lead me to where I am today. And all of them are still altering my life in some way or another every single time I have to stop and make a decision. They have shaped the way I see the world and how I choose to live my life. And now one of them has a new baby of their own! I cannot express exactly how much joy I feel at the prospect of a brand new black sheep getting ready to make their own presence known in the world.
She will do great things.
She's growing up in a house with some of the strongest, most passionate people I know. Plus, it's in her genes!
Here's to the next generation of my black sheep.
I love every single one of you.
Mother and wife by day, psych RN by night. So many different ways to view life. I try to take everything in and be very slow to judge.