I feel like a teenager again.
I have not had this many mood swings since back in high school...and we all remember how those years went! My poor, poor family has to deal with my random rants and rages about absolutely nothing significant. I am HUNGRY, I am HOT, I am TIRED, I am I am IAMIAMIAMIAM....seriously, I want to knock myself out. Unfortunately for my beloved husband, he is almost always the target of my unhappiness of the moment. I literally wanted to throw something at him because we didn't have the right kind of butter in the house tonight. (As if I need to be eating more butter at this point...)
In my defense, I really am feeling as miserable as I am coming off. I am exhausted by every single thing I do during the day. And as easy as it was to just switch my sleep schedule from night to day before, it's just become an "OMG I NEED TO SLEEP ALL THE TIME OR I'M A RAGING BITCH" kind of thing. Poor, poor hubby. Lucky for him, I am sticking to a few of my normal personality traits. I have yet to burst into a pregnant, irrational shower of tears. I cry about once a year. I feel like I'm going to cry about 5 times a day right now...but I never actually manage to evolve my frustration into something physical.
I really need a new hobby that can level out these insane hormones. Before I rear-end the next slow driver in front of me on the road, or I punch a random stranger in the street for doing something annoying, or end up in jail...
I'd imagine that would be a bad way to kick off my 30th year, no?
I am positively swimming in my clothes these days.
So after months worth of not feeling well, weeks worth of testing, and a few afternoons driving to separate hospitals to be worked up, they finally came back with some kind of reason I have been feeling so ill.
My stomach has forgotten how to eat properly.
This was discovered by the gastric emptying study they did the other week. Apparently food sitting in your stomach for twice the amount of time can bring on nausea. Go figure.
The doc insisted he did not know what had caused this in me, and also told me that my best option (other than to just suck it up, as apparently this problem NEVER GOES AWAY) is to take some non-FDA approved, causes sudden death in 1/10,000 people, ridiculously named drug that reminds me of booze every time I hear the name (which, by the way, is not the least bit helpful when you're already feeling like you have a hangover all of the time). Or, I can just stick with the antiemetic that may or may not leave me with tardive dyskinesia later on. Anyone what to weigh in with what option they think I should choose? Because honestly, I kind of think they all suck. Which means that I have turned into a petulant child at home, stomping my feet and crying over the fact that I don't want this diagnosis. I want it to be something else. Something fixable.
On one hand, I'm glad they finally figured something out that proves that I am not crazy...all of the tests coming back negative one after the other was making me seriously doubt my own feelings. But now what? I just keep living my life like some randomly sea-sick person who may or may not throw up on you mid-sentence?
I guess you could say I'm a little bit frustrated.
Good thing I have the world's best husband at home who always knows how to make me feel better! (Which I'm sure also benefits him greatly as he is the one who has to share the bed with me.)
Love you, dear!
Hope everyone else is doing well these days...sorry I've sucked at keeping up with everyone lately! I swear I'm going to try to rectify that now that we're turning over a new leaf. :)
Picture me stomping my feet like a stubborn 2 year-old here.
It's starting again. That stupid roller coaster that I didn't want to get on the first time...let alone the 1,000th. I know what's going to happen, I know every twist and turn that's going to come along with it. Instead of making me anxious this time around, I'm just tired. I know I can do it again...I know it will end eventually. And I have no choice. Just like a diabetic who doesn't want to take insulin...or a cancer patient who doesn't want chemo. Obviously it's not really a choice, but that doesn't make it any more enjoyable! I will never feel it coming on and say, "Whee!! Here we go again!!" with any type of enthusiasm. I'll just sit here and let it wash over me and try to get to the surface for a breath of air whenever possible.
Sometimes it's like being a teenager all over again. And I was not someone who liked their teenage years.
I feel like I'm in the middle of a 20 mile hike, and the person behind me keeps sneaking more rocks into my pack the further we go.
I am being bombarded by issues these days. I mean a full-on attack from all sides. Every time I put out one fire, I turn around to find 10 more behind me. I don't know what to do. The only thing I can think of is to keep putting the fires out one by one and hopefully they'll slow down or even stop. Hopefully. I am just living on adrenaline these days. Pure adrenaline and willpower.
I want nothing more than to crawl under my covers and hide from the world for a few days. Unfortunately, this is not an option. Nor would I enjoy it as much as I'd like to think...I'd probably go stir crazy after the first hour. It's still a nice thought, though.
I'm just going to keep going. Keep moving. Don't stop. Fake it 'til you make it. Seriously, that's all you can do sometimes.
Eat, sleep, breathe. Eat, sleep, breathe.
Rinse and repeat.
I really, truly hate this month.
I have my own reasons for it always being rough for me, but it seems like everyone I know is having a hard time with January this year. I feel like I'm fighting mental health issues everywhere I turn. I'm constantly worried about at least one person at a time, and lately it's been more like 2 or 3. Luckily it's put me in my pissed-off Marine mode...so I'm up for the challenge right now. Anger tends to help me to channel all of my energy into one specific problem. It wakes up my brain cells, and my ability to be both logical and creative simultaneously is amplified.
God help you if you are getting in the way of the thing I need to fix.
And if you are causing the problem...you're going to have to deal with my wrath. I'm not exaggerating when I say you do not want to even consider being in that position.
Due to my recent increase in energy, I actually almost went to that gym I joined!! The one thing that kept me from going there the other day is the fact that I don't have any decent athletic shoes. My knees have been killing me since we went ice skating the other week, and I can't afford to risk injuring them more by doing something stupid like trying to run without real sneakers or a knee brace. I've just been cleaning the house like a maniac in the meantime. All in all, it's been a productive couple of weeks! I feel like I'm really getting a better hold on everything, and I definitely feel like whatever I don't have under control yet is in the process of being taken care of....I guess things are looking good.
I just can't wait for this month to be over.
I miss you, my friend. So much. Everyday.
In our line of work, it is very easy to become stressed out, burned out, irritable, and just downright grumpy. This is something you have to quickly learn to manage if you want to make it in the psych field. If I snapped at every patient who demanded I get them what they wanted instead of asking politely, I'd be in the running for the title of bitchiest nurse in the region. I certainly don't want that!
I've learned to let most negative comments roll off my back like water on a duck. (Sure, there are plenty of times I go home to my husband and whine about how it seems like people aren't taught appropriate manners these days and how it seems like pleases and thank yous are very few and far between.) I do remind people that although I am happy to help them out with whatever it is they need, I am not their personal assistant and there are other patients on the floor who require my attention as well. Sometimes all they need is a reminder that I understand that they are going through a difficult time, but they are still expected to be respectful of others on the unit - staff and patients included. Sometimes they are so sick that this goes right over their head. Can't blame me for trying!
In my years as both a nursing student and a licensed RN, I've seen staff burnout rear its ugly head. I've seen call bells being ignored because the patient was known for being "needy" and it was assumed that whatever they wanted now could not possibly be urgent. (What if that time it actually was urgent, though?) I've seen staff goaded into arguments with patients who are irritable and just looking to pick a fight with the first person they see. I've seen a lot of ugly things that made me wonder why people chose to work in the psych field if it makes them so miserable to be around.
Here's a word of advice to anyone who is thinking about working in psych - if a patient is exceptionally rude, negative, or just plain hateful...don't take it personally. For myself, I know that when I am sick with a bug, or haven't gotten enough sleep, I can be a little extra snippy. These people are patients for a reason! They are going through an incredibly difficult time in their lives and they don't feel well. In fact, some of them feel so bad that they would rather be dead. Do you really think they are going to spend their practically nonexistent energy trying to make you feel better? If you had just lost your house, your job, your spouse, your kids, and half of your real teeth, do you think you'd be concerned with boosting the ego of the person whose job it is to help you?
I didn't think so.
I'm fortunate enough to work with great people who understand this and don't get overly upset when patients lash out at them. They calmly remind the patient that they are here to help, but that it is easier to understand them if they are calm and controlled instead of shouting in their face. The majority of the time, that seems to work. And if not....dude, you can't win them all! Some people are just born cranky.
I suggest you accept this and move on, or you're just setting yourself up to be miserable. "If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen." And if you want a job that is mostly sunshine and roses, work in maternity, not a psych ward! You can't seriously expect a suicidal patient to put on their happy face just to appease you, can you??
So, thank you for listening to my rant. I apologize for being crabby. I'd appreciate any constructive criticism if you don't agree with anything I post on here!
Mother and wife by day, psych RN by night. So many different ways to view life. I try to take everything in and be very slow to judge.