My head is too full.
I hate writer's block. It always happens when I have too many thoughts in my head and it becomes impossible for me to reach in and pick one out to talk about. It's extremely frustrating to feel so many emotions and not be able to release them in the form of written words.
Anger. Happiness. Anxiety.
And the list goes on and on....and on. It's like having a thousand birds flying around my brain and I have to catch the right one at the right time to be able to speak.
I've been juggling so many things lately. We have a lot of balls in the air right now and I'm trying to keep them all going just right...it is tiring. Luckily, it's also rewarding a lot of the time. I feel I've done some good this week. I feel I made a difference in some lives. It may be a small, seemingly insignificant act of kindness...but a difference all the same. I am happy with the place I am in right now. I love my family, I love my job, I love my friends...yet it is so chaotic I often find myself bouncing from one thing to the next without being able to focus on the outcomes of what I am doing. It will be nice when things calm down and I can take a deep breath and look around at all we have.
I am so grateful. I am so blessed.
I just need to come up with a positive mantra to get myself back on track. Mantras are also difficult to come up with when you have a thousand attention-seeking birds occupying your brain. Makes me tired to think about trying to organize this by shoving each thought into their respective box to sort it all out.
I need an energy boost.
It's about that time again.
No matter how tired I am all day long, once the stars come out, my adrenaline kicks in and my body says, "it's go time."
Much like a werewolf, my personality drastically changes with the moonlight. I have been told several times that I am like two completely different people. I like to consider it my own way of multitasking in my life...I don't make an effort to change - it's like a switch being turned on and off. I think most people are this way. I just do it backwards! Instead of being afraid of what lurks in the darkness, I find it comforting. Somehow I feel ten feet tall and bulletproof once the sun is done setting. It's my chance to show everyone what I'm good at and to do what I really enjoy doing. It's the time of day I get to spend giving back and trying to help however I possibly can. It is the time I get to spend being the me I always envisioned.
This also saps a lot of energy from some pretty weary bones here.
My daytimes are spent running from the sun. I cringe when I have to go to an appointment in the middle of the day (how would YOU feel if your dentist was only available at 3am?) And there are so many people out during the day...how can you all stand it?! It is sensory overload to go from being one of the few people awake to being one of thousands of people awake in town. The noises seem louder and I find myself getting irritable when people slam doors (I quickly picked up the habit of shutting doors silently when I started working overnights) or when chatter gets too high. I'm like a librarian, wanting to walk around and shush people all day.
I probably need to work on this.
For now, I am happy with my quiet darkness. The sense of solitude and autonomy invigorates me. It charges me up for the coming day. It makes me comfortable and it makes me happy. It's a schedule that is conducive to my personality. In a way, I think my body was built for it. I've always had trouble feeling rested after a night's sleep. I like being able to hear everyone else going about their business when I am crawling into bed for my own nighttime. It fits me.
I think I truly have become a creature of the night....and it doesn't bother me a bit.
Some days I just need my Black Sheep.
Every once in a while, I stumble off the path I was so dutifully following and find myself lost in a forest so thick you can't see even a pinprick of sunlight. When I realize just how lost I've allowed myself to become, I panic. The world starts to spin and I cling to the ground as tight as I can...lest I be jettisoned into space to float in limbo for eternity.
Enter my Black Sheep.
Over many years (more than 2 decades now) I have been lucky enough to find a handful of people who have made a monumental impact on my life and who seem destined to make that same level of impact on the world as a whole. They have the ability to save people using only thoughts and words. They are able to understand that sometimes you need to drop everything and be there for someone. They understand that saying one simple phrase carefully and meaningfully can be the difference between life and death. And they are very good at their jobs.
I consider us kindred spirits.
They are my Black Sheep, and only they know who they are.
Thank you each for being here for me. For coming running when I cry out in frustration or sadness. You each remind me that I am loved. And I love you all to pieces in return. I am here for all of you, always faithful.
Anytime. Anywhere. All you need to do is think of me and I'll be right there by your side.
My poor husband.
After almost 5 years of being together, he just discovered one of my quirks.
I like to rearrange rooms in my house randomly every couple of months for no good reason.
Literally, there is no point in doing it...it just makes me feel better when it's done! I think of it as a way to really be able to get behind stuff and do a full cleaning. He, however, did not appreciate the fact that I wanted to move our giant dresser and bed around our tiny room just because I felt like it. Thank god he's a good sport and helped with all of the heavy lifting! Did I mention it was also quite hot outside that day and we don't have air conditioning??
I don't know what's wrong with me and all of the cleaning and rearranging lately. It's just nice to have the energy to do things! The nausea has subsided enough that I'm not curled up in a ball on the couch moaning and groaning constantly. I've been able to go out and run errands, which included buying all new towels and bathmats for our bathroom today to spruce it up a little. It was a pretty good day!
I think it's also been difficult for me to move into my husband's childhood home. It still feels like it's more his than ours just because there are so many remnants from when he was a kiddo there. By rearranging things and adding a few of my own touches it's helping me to feel more at home there than I originally did when we moved in. And I'm loving these new projects. They give me something to focus on and to work towards which has been awesome.
All in all, things are looking up!
The waters lull
The moon awakens
No storm in sight
But something is stirring
Beneath the surface
She begins to sink
Struggling to breathe
Fighting to survive
Kick, kick, kick
Keep those feet moving
Don’t let go
The will to live
Strong and stubborn
Feet find firm ground
To live another day
Mother and wife by day, psych RN by night. So many different ways to view life. I try to take everything in and be very slow to judge.