So, my understanding of what it sometimes means to be a full-time mom has changed drastically over the past few months...
I had my first child when I was 21 years old, and at 33 now I really thought I was kind of a seasoned pro at this whole "parenting" thing. I've spent countless days following someone else's routine, countless nights rocking babies in an attempt to get them to sleep, countless hours worrying about how I'm messing each one of them up with whatever decision I am making at the time.
3 kids. 12 years. Nothing should surprise me at this point, right?
JesusMaryandJoseph was I ever wrong. These past 2 months have been the most TRYING, EXHAUSTING, UNRELENTING, DEPLETING, ISOLATING, ULCER-CAUSING times I have ever found myself tripping and stumbling through.
Kids are guaranteed to cause their parents stress - that's definitely a given. Literally EVERYONE knows this before they procreate. Everyone. But, what happens when the amount of stress is actually too much for a them to handle?? And I'm not talking about normal teenager hormones and toddler tantrums and baby colic. I'm referring to the EXTRA stuff. The things that you never factored in when you decided that you could handle not just ONE offspring, but THREE.
Now, I am definitely not going to go into detail about any trials and tribulations my blessed cherubs may or may not be dealing with as I firmly believe it is not fair for me to make a decision to share their private lives with the entire world without their informed consent. I'm just going to throw my personal struggle out there in hopes that it can act as a life ring for another drowning soul.
I snapped yesterday. SNAPPED. Like, trying to text my husband using the voice command button instead of typing with my fingers because I was in a rush and multitasking, and the only things my phone could pick up correctly were the numerous swears that were showing up in every single sentence. Other than that, it looked like I was using some sort of translation app that in no way, shape or form is getting the message across the way you want it to. Except the crazy angry part. That part was definitely clear.
**Also, WHY DOES MY PHONE BLEEP THE SWEARS?? It is not cool when I am losing my mind that my phone chooses this time to send "f*******" instead of the actual word that I am screaming at it. It kind of takes away some of the venom in my voice.
So, yeah. I was shrieking into my phone in an effort to get my husband to understand exactly how DONE I was. I was on the verge of tears. (I never cry.) The anxiety felt like a ball of fire right in the center of my chest. I couldn't breathe. I wanted to just TAKE A DAY OFF AND BREATHE, DAMNIT!! ...But I couldn't. My kid needed something from me at that point that could only come from ME. So, yeah. Melting down wasn't a choice because no matter how little I had left to give (see: 0) because I am a mom and that means that I literally cannot have a day off ever from that job until the end of time.
Yes, the kids' needs are constantly changing. Right now I have a pre-teen, a toddler, and an infant. FUN TIMES, GUYS!! It is enough to drive any parent insane. I can see why people (therapists) are always pushing parents to get together in the form of "play groups" (gatherings with wine) to offer each other support. Of course, how in the world do you have time to go to a "play group" (day drinking party) when you don't even have enough time to take a 5 minute shower in the morning??
Literally every single one of my "social" activities lately has been having a 2 minute conversation with the checkout people at the grocery store and Goodwill. I'm not joking. I speak with those people more often than I can find time to text my own sisters. Thank god for them - if I didn't have those 2 minutes, the only times I would open my mouth would be to continuously answer "yes" or "no" questions for my toddler and to yell at my pre-teen to pick up *insert item of clothing here* from *insert any random room in house here* every 5 minutes. The closest thing I have to a real conversation when I am with my kids is me, passive-aggressively speaking in baby talk to my infant about how her older siblings are making me nuts. (She just smiles at me when I do this, so I don't really think she gets what I'm saying...)
My brain has been demolished this year. I can barely form a coherent sentence because there is such a backlog of "things to remember" and "to-do" lists piled up in my head. I hear some of the things that come out of my mouth and mentally shake my head because I sound like an idiot. I've tried to take more time to think thoughts through before I translate them into words to be shared, but then I just look like it takes me a long time to sound like an idiot. I can't win.
My husband has been my saving grace. The poor guy wants to help out so bad. He literally asks me to tell him what to do to help me AND I. CAN'T. EVEN.
After I had finished doing what only *I* could do for one of the children, I went home and basically fell apart at my husband's feet. He swooped in and offered to give me a few blessed hours off from being Mom. I wasn't even "on-call Mom". I was "stretched beyond capacity, numb to the world, I'm taking a 3 hour nap with the sound machine on full-blast next to my head so that I cannot hear anything you people are saying" Mom.
I have never slept so hard.
I woke up and was able to rescue my husband from the toddler who is going through the stage where he has turned whining into an art form and manages to find a reason to do it in response to any and everything that is said to him.
And the beat goes on, da da dum da dum dum......
Hang in there, moms and dads. I know the demands will keep up until the last day of your life, but at least we're all in this together #amIright??
Sending so much love (and sanity),
Anna and Nell at your house, circa 2007. Nell always was good at trying to grab a bite of food. (It helped that she was, like, 5 feet tall!)
It's that day again. The one we hate. The one where you were taken from us so suddenly and unfairly. The one where I wake up and see the calendar and the back of my neck starts to burn while I feel like a swarm of bees has taken over my stomach.
I miss you.
My brain still doesn't understand you are gone. There are so many days where something will happen and I will automatically think, "I can't wait to tell her!" And then I immediately remember and it feels like someone just knocked the wind out of me.
I still tell you, but it's a silent, one-way conversation inside of my head.
There are so many things going on this year that would have made epic talks between us! Donald Trump is running for president. PRESIDENT. OF THE UNITED STATES. I am sure this would have been discussed on a regular basis as he is constantly making a fool of himself with the racist comments and the impulsive Twitter rants. OH MY GOD, I WANT SO BADLY FOR YOU TO COME BACK SO THAT WE CAN HAVE THOSE CONVERSATIONS.
Did I mention we are moving?
I finally convinced My Michael (not to be confused with yours, as usual!) to move up north. I would have brought him over to talk to you at least a few times so that you could help me to build up his excitement about this. It's hard doing it on my own, and nobody could do it better than you. He thought you were pretty damn awesome. (Because you were pretty damn awesome.) And this whole online house search is for the birds, Carol. I have a list of at least 30 houses to check out that I need to whittle down. I just can't choose!! You would have helped me to talk through it and knock a bunch off of the list so that it is more do-able.
Graham really grew up this year.
I know that kids are like weeds with the whole growing thing, but Graham has made so many exciting strides! He went from not being able to chew ANYTHING to having an entire bowl of Rice Chex cereal yesterday. A WHOLE BOWL! This was such a giant leap from where he was just a month ago. And he talks so much now! I would have brought him with me sometimes, just like I did with Anna when she was his age. We would have laughed at all of the words he comes up with. (Laughing was kind of our thing. Nobody was funnier than the two of us when we got together.)
Last, and not quite least there's the whole crocheting thing I've gotten into this year.
I would have made you a scarf. It would be warm and fuzzy, and most importantly IT WOULD NOT BE GREEN! (You know, that color you hate?) I would have picked a nice blue, and I think you would have really liked it.
Another year and I still miss you like you were here just yesterday.
I'm still waiting for the year where I wake up and it is less of a shock to my system when I remember.
After 8 years, I don't think that day is ever going to come.
I really, really miss you.
Mother and wife by day, psych RN by night. So many different ways to view life. I try to take everything in and be very slow to judge.