I'm like a jigsaw puzzle that just randomly exploded back into its 7200 separate pieces.
Trying to focus. Trying to hang in there. Trying to remind myself that this isn't how it will be forever.
I am exhausted.
Can't think. Can't breathe. Can't move.
Letting my husband hold onto me as tight as he can in hopes it will keep me from falling apart even more.
This has been one of those weeks where I wish I were a bear and could go into hibernation.
Talk about being kicked when you're down. I am so beyond frustrated, and annoyed, and overwhelmed that I don't know what to do with myself. I've been trying different tactics to get rid of any of the stress-energy I have. And by energy, I mean those short bursts of panic in between the random narcolepsy that has been plaguing me these past few days. I've tried cleaning different rooms in the house from top to bottom. (Moving very carefully.) I've tried reading, and knitting, and drinking all different types of tea. Occasionally I'll sit down on the couch and just crash for an hour or two. I've had to limit the physical things due to tearing my brand-spanking-new scar tissue a few days ago, so that's been fun. Absolutely nothing is good enough.
I shouldn't say that. The love and support and countless hugs I am getting from my husband are helping more than anything. I am so glad that he is able to hold it together in times of crisis at home, because I am completely useless. I lose my sh*t when it comes to anything going wrong with my family. The tough Marine facade is crumbling into a heaping pile of snot and tears.
Sorry if I just flung myself off that pedestal you had me perched on.
2 weeks off of work to recover and I manage to get a nasty head cold the day I go back!
Feeling much better (physically) these days. Rarely nauseous - which is amazing. I had forgotten what it was like to go for an entire day without vomiting up the entire content of my stomach. (TMI! Sorry!) Apparently the gallbladder was the issue all along - out it went, and with it went most of the ugly symptoms I was having.
It was absolutely surreal being off of work for two weeks and being on a daytime schedule. I never really got the hang of sleeping during the night, but was able to at least lay down with the hubby until he fell asleep and I wandered off to do something else like a normal nocturnal person. I had a ba-jillion Dr. appointments to attend, so that was pretty much what my time was spent doing. That and resting and relaxing, of course.
I did miss work, I have to admit. It can get really boring and lonely sitting at home by yourself all day while the rest of your family is at school or their job respectively. I spent a lot of time catching up on my DVR'd shows and doing laundry. And more laundry. How on earth do we have so much laundry when only 3 of us live in this house??? Also, why are there like 20 different spin offs for different pawn shop shows?? Just curious...
The absolute worst part of going back to work was having to say goodbye to my husband. We've pretty much had 2 weeks of nonstop QT together. I could see him pretty much all of the time when he wasn't at work. It was wonderful. I will miss it terribly. But I am glad to have my nights back.
I've missed the random middle-of-the-night stuff that only people on my schedule get to encounter. I will not bother to elaborate (most of it sounds stupid and petty, and I enjoy it just the same!), but those of you who work the 11-7 shift would probably agree that one of the best sounds on earth is the chirping of the birds at 5am signaling the last little stretch before you're free!
Can't wait to go home and give my husband the biggest hug ever. Days like this remind me of how much I love and adore him.
Now you can go vomit, too!
I am giving birth to a bouncing baby gallstone this week!
I am so beyond ecstatic about the doctors actually finding what could be the cause of most of my complaints...SO.BEYOND.ECSTATIC. I literally almost wept tears of joy when the ultrasound tech showed me the picture. It looked like a giant pearl sitting in my gallbladder.
I felt such pride.
I'll be having the whole damn contraption removed this coming week, and hopefully all of these stupid symptoms go away with it!
I can't wait to feel well again. I can't wait to eat. OMG. I think that's what I've missed the most over the past few months...the ability to think about food without becoming instantly nauseous.
I am positively swimming in my clothes these days.
So after months worth of not feeling well, weeks worth of testing, and a few afternoons driving to separate hospitals to be worked up, they finally came back with some kind of reason I have been feeling so ill.
My stomach has forgotten how to eat properly.
This was discovered by the gastric emptying study they did the other week. Apparently food sitting in your stomach for twice the amount of time can bring on nausea. Go figure.
The doc insisted he did not know what had caused this in me, and also told me that my best option (other than to just suck it up, as apparently this problem NEVER GOES AWAY) is to take some non-FDA approved, causes sudden death in 1/10,000 people, ridiculously named drug that reminds me of booze every time I hear the name (which, by the way, is not the least bit helpful when you're already feeling like you have a hangover all of the time). Or, I can just stick with the antiemetic that may or may not leave me with tardive dyskinesia later on. Anyone what to weigh in with what option they think I should choose? Because honestly, I kind of think they all suck. Which means that I have turned into a petulant child at home, stomping my feet and crying over the fact that I don't want this diagnosis. I want it to be something else. Something fixable.
On one hand, I'm glad they finally figured something out that proves that I am not crazy...all of the tests coming back negative one after the other was making me seriously doubt my own feelings. But now what? I just keep living my life like some randomly sea-sick person who may or may not throw up on you mid-sentence?
I guess you could say I'm a little bit frustrated.
Good thing I have the world's best husband at home who always knows how to make me feel better! (Which I'm sure also benefits him greatly as he is the one who has to share the bed with me.)
Love you, dear!
Hope everyone else is doing well these days...sorry I've sucked at keeping up with everyone lately! I swear I'm going to try to rectify that now that we're turning over a new leaf. :)
My mind is all squirmy!!
Our daughter's birthday is coming up soon and we've been trying to figure out what to do for it. Now that we have procrastinated for this long, our options are significantly less to choose from. The trampoline place is out, the gymnastics place is out...if they had a roller skating rink near us it would probably be out as well. Thankfully, when I sat the munchkin down tonight and explained the situation she was very excited about going to the craft store and picking out a few different things that she and her friends can make/entertain themselves with for her party. I'm really starting to get back into the arts and crafts stuff, so this plan is right up my alley at the moment! I cannot believe how much has happened since she was born...it's like 2 different worlds!
Annnnd....onto a completely different subject:
I realized last week that I definitely need to make that appointment with the GI specialist. The nausea has returned (still no known cause, but my guess is simply stress) and I've dropped another 10 lbs since last month. That makes the total 35 lbs down since November. I look like a twig. I'm actually afraid to go to the gym at this point because I don't want to drop any more weight. I downloaded the My Fitness Pal app for my phone and have it set to encourage me to gain 1 lb a week. I believe it said I have to eat at least 1900 calories a day. I managed to do that today (I think), but I also realized how unhealthy a lot of the food I eat is! The fact that a bowl of ice cream made up for almost 25% of my daily calorie intake is most likely not the way to achieve my goal...so I'm going to start trying to be more careful with my choices tomorrow. I've also been trying to avoid taking my anti-nausea meds due to some of the more scary possible side effects. I should probably cut back on the amount of coffee I drink, but that isn't a priority at the moment. I'm also trying to use the e-cigarette more and the smelly, regular cigarettes less...it's a little easier than I thought! Hopefully that progress continues. ;)
So, other than the fact that I am feeling old due to the munchkin's birthday, and the fact that I'm slowly disappearing with this mysterious tapeworm...things are still pretty good! The anxiety levels have been pretty manageable and we haven't had any serious issues to deal with over the past few weeks. (Pretty damn good for us!)
Keep on truckin'!
My husband and I watched the Swedish version of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo movies over the past few days. (On Netflix instant queue - HIGHLY recommended...even if you haven't read the books!) At one point in the movie, there was a cab with an emblem on top of the hood.
My husband exclaimed, "Look! That must be an American symbol - it's an eagle with 2(!!) good wings!!"
I just turned and looked at him and said, "As opposed to one good wing and one gimpy one?"
He said, "Yes, then it would be a symbol for Sweden."
Mother and wife by day, psych RN by night. So many different ways to view life. I try to take everything in and be very slow to judge.