That wonderful time of year when the stars align, the sun comes out, the cage breaks open and I am FREE!!!!
(Bipolar (hypo)mania, for those of you who are totally lost right now.)
I have been blessed with a wonderful little blip in my genes that makes the chemicals in my brain go a little wonky. MOST of the time, the effects of this cause me to be stuck on a couch, not wanting to talk to anyone, not having any energy to do anything, and basically just wanting to dig a hole and hibernate for the rest of forever.
Along with that minor problem that completely devastates much of my wintertime life, I get a small prize. It really is small. I imagine it as the best thing in world, wrapped tightly in a tiny, sparkly box with a big bow that I can fit on my hand. Light peeks out of the corners if you look close enough. Once a year, at a completely random time that my brain and the universe decide on, I get approximately 3 days of absolute bliss.
I'm not sure I will be able to do justice to the level of this happiness, but this is the first time I will try to put it into words while I am actually in that state of mind.
The world. It GLOWS. Every single color seems like it has been amplified just to make everything look pretty for ME. People seem nicer. I, myself, start many short conversations with the sole goal of making another random human smile for a bit. The energy level is so high my skin buzzes. I can do anything. ANYTHING. It feels as though I have been in a coma for eternity, and suddenly I have been told that I will get 72 hours to just DO WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY. And I do. I do every single thing that I can think of that makes me happy. I take my children on random trips to the beach, I do yoga on the back porch and watch the kids happily splash away in their plastic pool. I laugh and I joke and I am so witty they really should put me on my own TV show. I'm not kidding. I am very fun to be around when I am in this state of mind. Do you remember the part of the Harry Potter books where he drinks the liquid luck? THIS IS PROBABLY EXACTLY WHAT HE FELT LIKE. I am not exaggerating, I am not just writing to make it sound fantastic so that you will want to read this. I am living in a world where everything sparkles like it's been dipped in glitter and crystals and there is literally sunshine and sparkles and fun and peace and OH MY GOD I WANT TO SHARE THIS WORLD WITH YOU ALL.
It will eventually stop. Like a festival that lasts only a weekend, the vendors will pack up their shops and their little trinkets and balloons and hot dogs and rides, and all that will be left is a vacant field with a bunch of smashed cigarettes and random trash blowing around.
It is my very own small bit of magic.
I make sure to take it all in, roll with it, and fly (safely) once every year. It is what makes the hundreds and hundreds of dreadful days spent wanting to crawl out of my own skin, hide under a rock, scream into the void, and sleep for eternity completely and utterly worth it.
I wouldn't give it up for the world.
It is my own crazy secret (that is really not secret, but other people feel it should be.)
I will try to sprinkle some of my glitter as far and wide as I can over the next few days.
And now, I am off to ride this awesome wave for as far as it will take me.
Thank you for that little genetic blip, universe.
My head is too full.
I hate writer's block. It always happens when I have too many thoughts in my head and it becomes impossible for me to reach in and pick one out to talk about. It's extremely frustrating to feel so many emotions and not be able to release them in the form of written words.
Anger. Happiness. Anxiety.
And the list goes on and on....and on. It's like having a thousand birds flying around my brain and I have to catch the right one at the right time to be able to speak.
I've been juggling so many things lately. We have a lot of balls in the air right now and I'm trying to keep them all going just right...it is tiring. Luckily, it's also rewarding a lot of the time. I feel I've done some good this week. I feel I made a difference in some lives. It may be a small, seemingly insignificant act of kindness...but a difference all the same. I am happy with the place I am in right now. I love my family, I love my job, I love my friends...yet it is so chaotic I often find myself bouncing from one thing to the next without being able to focus on the outcomes of what I am doing. It will be nice when things calm down and I can take a deep breath and look around at all we have.
I am so grateful. I am so blessed.
I just need to come up with a positive mantra to get myself back on track. Mantras are also difficult to come up with when you have a thousand attention-seeking birds occupying your brain. Makes me tired to think about trying to organize this by shoving each thought into their respective box to sort it all out.
I need an energy boost.
The waters lull
The moon awakens
No storm in sight
But something is stirring
Beneath the surface
She begins to sink
Struggling to breathe
Fighting to survive
Kick, kick, kick
Keep those feet moving
Don’t let go
The will to live
Strong and stubborn
Feet find firm ground
To live another day
Mother and wife by day, psych RN by night. So many different ways to view life. I try to take everything in and be very slow to judge.