I hope everyone is rolling out of bed on time and ready to take on the day with a renewed sense of strength and hope. Mondays can be super hard, but they are also an opportunity to start a new week off right and maybe do things a little differently than you did last week. However you started your day today, just remember to keep putting one foot in front of the other. As long as you do that, everything else will work out in it's own time. Keep your nose to the grindstone, and one day you will look up and the sun will be shining a little brighter and the pain you have been carrying around will start to ease.
I started drinking 20 years ago this year.
20 years of drinking. 20 years of swimming in a vodka bottle, trying to find a way out. Thank God I did. If you feel like you are at the end of your rope with any sort of substance abuse issue, PLEASE reach out and seek help. Get in touch with me, or ANYONE you know who might be in sobriety who can point you in the right direction. There IS a solution. Don't give up. Hang on. Breathe. You are not alone. You never have to be alone in that fight. There are so many of us here waiting for the next lost soul to welcome them in with open arms. Unconditionally. You are worthy. You are loved.
Do not let yourself be defined by this disease.
It is an illness. Alcoholism and drug addiction are terrible things to suffer from. They so often make people feel deeply ashamed and disgusted with themselves. It can seem impossible to quit, and I give everyone kudos for surviving up until this point.
I've decided to stop just surviving and start trying to thrive.
In order to do this, I have to back away from some of the people closest to me in my life. I have to use radical acceptance to let go of trying to please them and to just move onwards and upwards. I have to leave them behind.
This is hard for me because I am a people hoarder.
When I decide to be friends with someone, or to let someone into the deepest and scariest parts of my life, I never want to let them go. It takes a lot for me to open up to anyone about the thoughts floating around my brain. If you make it past my outer shell, kudos to you. It doesn't happen often. I don't give that part of me away as freely as I do others. If you have made it past my front gates, plan on sticking around for life. My tribe is my tribe. If I have had to walk away from you, I am so sorry. Know that it wasn't done without much consideration and extreme pain. It goes against every fiber of my being to cut someone out of my life who played a role in shaping me into the person I am today. It is not a decision I make lightly. It is also not a decision I will look back on once it is made.
I am beginning to learn my worth.
I have made many terrible, awful, selfish decisions over the past 20 years due to alcohol. I have also made some wonderful ones. I used alcohol as an extremely unhealthy coping skill, yet it was a coping skill that worked for years. It kept me alive in the short term, but was killing me slowly for 2 decades. It was a tool that I was using to fight to stay alive. I can wish that I didn't turn out the way I did all that I want - history is set and cannot be changed. It is a waste of energy to wallow in self-pity and self-hared over the hundreds of mistakes I have made since 15 years old. It is time to suck it up and accept the past for what it is - done and gone. From now on, I am focusing on writing the rest of my life story. I will only look forward, no more looking back. I'm not going that way, right?
Please reach out for help if you need it. There is no shame in this illness. You are sick. There is hope. There is an entire community of people just waiting for you to show up so that we may welcome you in with open arms. We are everywhere. You just need to know where to look.
Have a beautiful day, y'all. Keep hanging in there. Keep reaching out to help others. You never know when you might just be saving someone's life.
Thank you for helping me to save mine. I love you all.