This week has been tough. I am SO LUCKY to have friends who were able to be there for me when I was falling down into a metaphorical hole. They are the least judgmental, most kind and caring bunch of people I have ever met. Instead of berating me for stumbling, they reached out to let me know that they have been there and they understand exactly what I am going through.
WHERE HAVE THESE PEOPLE BEEN ALL MY LIFE?!
The community I have found is awesome. The bond we all share with each other is like no other, and every single one of us is grateful for that.
Now onto the fun stuff!
Apparently I have to stop stuffing my feelings down and start releasing all of the poison. That terrifies me, only because ALL I HAVE DONE FOR 35 YEARS IS STUFF FEELINGS DOWN. Like, HOW MANY FEELINGS ARE IN THERE?!!! I don't do feelings. This is probably (definitely) why I ended up with so many terrible coping skills. I have skipped and hopped from one thing to the other to try to numb myself to the world around me. I literally do not know how to feel. When I get too upset, my brain shuts down and I get the thousand yard stare. I can't help it, it's just what happens. That is one of my coping skills that I actually have zero control over. My brain just decides it doesn't feel like dealing with whatever is happening around me, so it checks out. I've been checked out a lot lately. I'm still going through all the motions of being a mom and wife and human being, but I'm not really experiencing it. I want to be able to participate in everything that is happening in my life. I want to be present. I want to be here. So, that is what I am working on.
Now, let's all go suck the poison out and join the rest of the world. There is far too much beauty to miss because of things that have already happened that you cannot do anything about.
Stay safe and happy, my friends.
Until next time.