For the love of.....WHEN WILL THIS END????
Mood-wise, I really thought that this winter was going better than many others I've had. There were rough times, but I managed. Easy peasy. We got this.
Fluffing flutternuckles.
My brain then malfunctioned and it's been a constant chemical shitstorm for the past few weeks. I feel like I am on the verge of tears all the time. I don't actually cry, I just want to. ALL. THE. TIME.
By early afternoon, I can most likely be found under a pile of blankets on the couch just staring at the clock and willing the minute hand to go by faster so that my husband can come home to relieve me for a minute.
Everything is hard.
Breathing is hard. Literally, I wish I could take a break from breathing because I feel like it wears me out. Thinking is basically not even a thing right now. I drag myself through the days, just willing myself to do what my kids need to have done. I fake-smile at their silliness, and applaud their achievements. I try to converse with them when they have things to share with me. I get them ready and bring them to their appointments. They are bathed, and hugged, and tended to.
The entire time I am doing all of these things, I feel like I am drowning. I'm furiously treading water, waiting for this storm to pass and hoping to be able to rest soon. I don't know when or if this will let up. I went into this knowing that motherhood and depression are a really tough mix, but shit, this is really hard.
Sending all my love and hope and tenacity to all of the parents out there undergoing the same struggle.
You are not alone.
You are not invisible.
You can do this.
Hang tight, my friends.
Sunshine is coming soon.
- B
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