i woke up this morning and my invisible elves (I decided they were elves because that just goes along with the season, and why not be all "Happy Holidays", right?) had vanished! My legs still feel pretty weak and wobbly (think Bambi), but the tiny shitheads have turned-tail and moved on to their next unsuspecting victim. GOOD RIDDANCE DON'T YOU EVER DARKEN MY DOORSTEP AGAIN, YOU FIENDS!!! I don't know why talking about them makes me want to talk like I'm in an old Disney movie....
So I had my long-awaited neurology follow-up today. (THANK BEJESUS!)
First of all, let me start by informing you that I showed up to afore-mentioned appointment yesterday. Two hours early. In the wrong office (twice). Most of those things WERE NOT MY FAULT. Technically......yes, I should have known the appointment was for today. However, the wrong time was typed on my paperwork, and I was sent to the wrong office by the information desk. So today I just showed up at the time that was typed on the paperwork, and proceeded to sit in the hallway for an hour and a half waiting for someone with the keys to come open the damn office.
I shuffled down the corridor after my lovely Dr. M, who is the only doctor in this entire hellish journey who believes all of my crazy symptoms are real and that I am not some drug-seeking, melodramatic, dual diagnosis patient in crisis. (No I am NOT, Mom!) He led me into an exam room and made me sit on the table and asked me how I was doing. Then he told me to calm down about 20 times and he brought me into his office where we sat and we brainstormed some more. Luckily!! I had spent the two hours of downtime before my appointment to compile a list of all of my symptoms from my two "episodes" as I will be referring to them for the time being. I read them all for the doctor and he then grabbed my notebook from me and said, "wait, wait...see, we've been going about this all wrong! It's all about the CALCIUM!" (Did I mention how much I love my Dr. M? He not only listens to me, he mutters out loud to himself like an old mad scientist, but has the demeanor of a grandfather who spends his days doing nothing but fishing and reading his grandkids bedtime stories.)
So then, THEN!! he calls his friend in endocrinology. A woman answers. "Dr. A is not taking any new patients right now!!!!!!" she screeches. "To tell you the truth, he's ready to QUIT!"
"All right, all right now. I just need to fax over a case for him to look at -" Dr. M tries to de-escalate the poor, frazzled woman who, also, sounds like she is ready to quit.
"He is NOT taking ANY new PATIENTS." she says again, and then whispers, "You have no idea what it's been like around here the last few days!"
Guys, I'm not even joking.....you could LITERALLY hear the desperation in this woman's voice. Dr. M gave up on trying to calm her down and told her he would fax the information over.
"I'll just put it with the rest of the consults he has sitting in his box." she snapped.
Well then! Long story......shortish? "We" (Dr. M) are looking at hypoparathyroidism as the cause of the symptoms both this episode, and the episode I had back in August. Hopefully this all pans out, because if not.....we're steering back towards that lumbar-puncture-scary-ground I don't want to get near again.
I'm going to sit down and snuggle my littlest kid while I wait for the big one to get home with my husband. And then I'm going to enjoy a few moments where I DON'T feel like bawling my eyes out.
Peace out, girl scout.
Addendum: OH MY GOD I TOTALLY FORGOT WHY I TITLED MY BLOG WHAT I DID!!! (There was a reason, guys!) People with parathyroidism have to eat diets low on phosphorus - means cutting way down on meats and eggs....and high on GREEN LEAFY VEGETABLES....and broccoli and KALE!! (Those of you who have ever, ever known me in real life are laughing your asses off right now. NO I WILL NOT READ THE BOOK NOW, MOM!!!!)