If you are close to me, you know what I am talking about. The sorrow and guilt and feelings of being alone all bubble up to the surface until they go back under for another year. It's like the world's worst groundhog day. I can't stop reliving it. Every second of the before and the after. I have never had so many clear memories, but I remember every single detail. Our conversations we used to have. How honest and open we were with each other. How empty everything felt after.
I miss our talks.
I miss calling you about exciting news. I still think of you first when something super-exciting happens and it still takes me a moment to remember that you're no longer here. I hope your spirit is, I truly do. What happened to you made me question any faith I may have had at the time. It wasn't right. It wasn't fair. There was no way that could happen to someone so wonderful. So kind and funny. We used to laugh for the majority of our visits. Sometimes we cried together. In the end, I am sure that you helped me more than I helped you, even though it was supposed to be the other way around.
I'm sorry about the shoes.
I'll never forget that for as long as I live. I'll never stop wondering. I know you're not mad at me, wherever you are. It just wasn't in your nature. But you should have been. I've been mad enough for both of us. Mad at me, mad at the universe. The feelings may soften with time, but so far the edges are still sharp as razors.
I'm sorry I wasn't there.
I'm sorry I let you down.
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry.
I'll never be able to stop saying that.
This month is for you, my friend.