You have no idea how hard this has been over the past few weeks. Well, perhaps you do as I have been describing it in detail on this blog for you to read and understand and commiserate. The fact that my body was in intense pain that was not properly controlled was bad enough, but the idea that my brain couldn't even complete a simple task without blanking out halfway through and forgetting what the hell it was supposed to be doing in the first place was absolute hell for me. I am a very organized, fast moving person. I like to make charts on top of charts and I then I like to put them all in their own sections in my pretty three-ring binder. Since this episode started I haven't been able to do more than scribble a reminder on a post-it note, and even then I would forget what I had gotten the post-it note out for before I even had the chance to write anything down.
SO. INCREDIBLY. FRUSTRATING.
But, today, my friends. Today is a NEW DAY! My brain is clearing up, the invisible elves have run off to greener pastures and taken their stabby knives with them, and most of the shooting pains down my legs are gone. FUCKING AMAZEBALLS.
Now we are back to focusing on our normal life and our normal problems!
Wait a minute. For about 0.2 seconds there I forgot that my problems are the antonym of "normal." With the subsiding symptoms, the nausea let up, so I went into the kitchen to try to get some breakfast this morning. The usual song and dance commenced. The argument between ED and I ended up leaving me with a granola bar and a bowl of frosted flakes with whole milk and a cup of coffee before I retreated. I considered this one a win. (Warning: This part may be triggering to anyone suffering from an ED - viewer discretion advised.) While I was in the hospital, and the entire week before, I had zero appetite. The pain in my legs was all I could concentrate on, and it's hard enough on a good day for me to talk myself into eating 3 square meals. This led to a lot of worrysome and awful weightloss which was unintentional and very upsetting to myself and my husband. I look very sick. I actually looked as sick as I felt on the inside. When I look at the pictures I took of myself with my kids over the past few weeks, I can SEE the exhaustion and hopelessness and fear in my eyes. I had been doing so well with the eating and the drinking problems. My recovery was going great. Now, not only was I hit with this illusive illness that made me want to crawl into bed and scream and scream and scream until SOMEONE finally took me seriously and came up with a goddamned answer, but it was negatively impacting my hard-earned recovery.
I was SO FUCKING ANGRY.
It didn't seem fair that after an entire summer of battling two diseases that are known for being very conniving and for recurring with most patients. I had a long period of sobriety. I had a longer period of not using behaviors. This "episode" was messing with everything that I had spent my entire summer working toward. I was so tired and in so much pain that I did something that I never do.
I lost hope.
For those of you who know me, I never lose hope. I'm always there to give pep-talks and to motivate someone (or myself) when they need a kick in the ass to get going again. But this....I just couldn't do it, man. I had nothing left. I was so empty and so done. All I could think was that I was never going to be a nurse again, and that I was never going to be able to fully care for my children without someone else helping me everyday. My brain would never function the way it used to.
I wasn't B anymore. B was gone.
That's when HalloLe came in. My tribe. See, I've got these awesome friends. They are some of the best people on the planet that I have ever, ever had the pleasure of meeting. They got me through all of it. They pulled me out of this depression. They helped me out with my kids. They took care of me. They asked how I was doing, and weren't surprised or awkward when I answered sincerely. They made me laugh when I felt like shit. They gave me so many hugs. They were my medicine.
That's what tribes are for.
They sent me that. And that made everything better.
My husband and kids and family helped as well, don't get me wrong. They were awesome, too. I had a great support system through this whole thing. I am grateful for every single one of you. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I hope I can return the favor one day.