I'm Curious.

What do you see when you see food?

I was sitting in my living room the other day, fighting with myself yet again over whether or not I was going to eat a snack and my mind wandered off to that oh-so-familiar place where I begin to wonder how many OTHER people are in this situation right now? And then of course I think of how many other people are NOT in this situation right now and the gears keep turning right to, "well, how is it so easy for THEM to eat a snack??" It literally baffles me.

(Let me explain so that those of you who do not know ED will understand.)

This is how I imagine someone without an ED going to get a snack:

1. Walk to kitchen.
2. Open cabinet.
3. Take out donut.
4. Eat donut.
5. Continue day ruling world while peeling bananas with toes and raising fostered sloths on the side.

This is how it goes when I try to have a snack:

1. Walk into kitchen.
2. Panic and walk out of kitchen.
3. Calm down and walk back into kitchen.
4. Open cabinet.
5. TOO MANY CHOICES!!! TOO MANY CHOICES!!! Slam cabinet shut and walk quickly out of kitchen.
6. .......... (15 minute break)
7. Walk back into kitchen.
8. Open refrigerator.
9. WHO PUT AN ENTIRE LEFTOVER PIZZA IN THE REFRIGERATOR?? WHAT. THE. FUCK. PEOPLE?????!!!! Slam refrigerator shut and run out of kitchen.
10. Cautiously put one toe into kitchen.
11. Blindly stick arm in and feel around counter for fruit basket.
12. SCORE! Grab banana.
13. Banana overly ripe but only food safe to acquire at this point in time. Will try again next meal.

I'm sorry if this is entirely off base, I'm just a little cranky over here because I'm eating a fucking rotten banana. (And for those of you who are wondering why if I am getting better, I cannot just go and get a donut for snack yet...it is because that particular neural pathway hasn't been fixed. When I see a donut, I still automatically want to eat the whole donut factory. It doesn't have to do with food. It doesn't have to do with feeling hungry. It doesn't have to do with my body needing fuel. It has to do with the fact that my brain has all of these screwed up connections in the wrong places and I have to figure out how to rewire it. It's a very complicated job AND SOMETIMES IT MAKES ME WANT TO RIP ALL OF MY HAIR OUT!!! (.......Mindfully.)

That's me for the next few years in recovery.  :)


   - B