There are a lot of misconceptions about me.
Some of them have been around for so long that I haven't bothered to correct them in years. In fact, some have been repeated so many times that I myself began to believe them as truth - even when the little voice inside me tried to say "no, wait....that's not right! That's not you!"
Since I have been in treatment I have begun to shed all of the layers of costumes and armor I have compulsively been piling on throughout my lifetime. In the course of this process I have unearthed much of my true self and it has been a bit eye opening (and at times painful and saddening). I figured I would share my findings with you to get rid of any fallacies or misunderstandings. (It would also be nice to share a bit of myself that my friends may not know yet.)
1. I try very hard to avoid getting angry.
I can usually control my temper. Anger is such a volatile emotion. It is temperamental and wild and incredibly difficult to tame. It can do irreparable damage. I myself have done serious destruction with my anger in younger years that I cannot take back. I do not like handing my control over to an emotion. I may get frustrated or irritated, but you will almost never see me truly angry.
2. Nothing makes me happier than helping someone during a difficult time.
I have seen so many people trying to struggle through a crisis alone. Either they have chosen to do so or they have been left to struggle through by those that should have been their support system. Nobody deserves to wrestle a problem all by themselves. It's hard enough going through a bad time. It's harder yet feeling abandoned. Since I've been in residential, I have learned that even when you feel like the worst human being ever you still deserve a team of people who are willing to stand up to the issue with you. Just for support. Just for advice. Just so you feel like you're worth something. Because as much as your brain may try to convince you otherwise...no one is worthless.
3. I am a Mama Bear through-and-through.
I am so protective of my friends and family that I should just start saying I have way more than two children. As I said with #1, I don't get angry very often. However....when I do, it usually has to do with someone wronging someone I love. I am pretty sure if I looked in the mirror I would see myself multiply in size, turn green, and start throwing cars. (The Hulk, people.) I flip from the assertive personality type to the aggressive personality type. I will not back down from any conversation until whatever wrong is righted and apologies are made. Treat my cubs right, or face my wrath.
4. I cringe when the spotlight is on me.
This has been a point of contention in the past with people who only know me from afar. I understand that the fact that I have been posting about intensely personal things may seem to directly contradict my saying that I shake when I am around a bunch of people or I stutter when I speak until I can calm myself down. I get extremely nervous in crowds. I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder. I jump at loud noises. (Luckily, when I'm at work it seems like a switch is flipped and my brain operates in a different mode where I am a calm and competent nurse.) So I do not like attention. Whatsoever. If it was up to me, I would be able to wear an invisibility cloak whenever I left my house. Alas...technology has not caught up to me yet. So why do I write what I do for anyone and everyone to see, then? Surely I must be lying, right? There are two reasons:
A) Due to my discomfort over long, deep conversations this seemed to be the preferable way to let anybody know what was going on in my life instead of letting rumors run around and grow like weeds. I would like people to know the real me, and writing is one form of communication that I am decent at.
B) As I have always believed was true (and has been reinforced by many professionals over the past few months), the less people talk about difficult things, the more power they hold over you. Me admitting I had an eating disorder stripped it of its power. EDs also have the same stigma as any other mental illness. The more people hide in shame and don't get help or ask for support, the longer these diseases are able to reign. Admitting my fault was an incredibly difficult step for me, and it really sucked to get some of the responses that I did. On the flip side, it was also awesome to get the amount of support I did. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
5. I don't need everybody to like me anymore.
I think back to a decade ago and realize what a different place I am in. I am not trying to please anybody but myself and my family. I am not going to change myself for anybody. Pretending to be somebody else doesn't work out. It takes a lot of effort and just wears you out. In the end you are bitter and exhausted. If somebody doesn't appreciate me for who I am or they accuse me of being somebody I am not, I may get sad for a minute as I say goodbye to any good times we have had in the past. Then I move on. I know who I am.
I am a good person. I am strong. I am protective. I am smart. I am loving. I am kind. I am motivating. I am brave. I am hopeful. I am compassionate. I am courageous. I am a fighter. I am a mother fucking force to be reckoned with.
I am B.