Did you ever try to make cookies out of your "own recipe" when you were a kid? Like just throw things into a bowl and expect them to turn into awesome gingersnaps or award-winning molasses schnitzerdoozles? (Don't even think about it - I'm trademarking it as we speak.) That is how I feel recovery is going right now.
I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL I AM DOING.
(Don't repeat that though, okay?)
I've finally finished residential and partial and I JUST got my outpatient team put together (haven't met all of them yet) so I'm just like "woo! I win! I win the recovery game! BINGO!!"
So where's my prize????
Seriously though. I have the basic ingredients here - a therapist, a psychiatrist, a nutritionist, a PCP, a meal plan, and a support team (my husband). So now we just make them t-shirts that say "Team B" and then they just kind of do their thing on their own and we're good for the next 60 years, yes? Because that's what my plan is.
I will make appointments with the team members, I will organize and clean my house, I won't do stupid things, I will not use behaviors, I will use food as fuel, I will use coping skills when needed, I will (try to) shower daily (*ahem* mostly), I will be honest with my support team (my husband), etc.
This is my plan. I have no idea if this is what my plan is supposed to be. However, I've ALWAYS been the one who just kind of flies by the seat of my pants and I usually seem to get to my destination all right.
I just need to remember that if one day seems really awful and terrible, odds are the next day will be much better. If I am feeling really shitty one minute, my feelings will probably improve within an hour. Nothing is permanent, everything is fluid. If you just ride it out, new days will come and the sun will shine again.
Just relax and hang in there kids. There is no finish line you need to be running towards. Stop and sit down and enjoy where you're at for a minute. You've got all the time in the world.