My Biggest Fear.

I am not sure how to start this post. 

Today is July 19, smack dab in the middle of the summer. Sunshine and blue skies abound, not too hot and not too cool here in NH. An all around beautiful day.

Yet, I feel absolutely, positively DISTURBINGLY awful.

Why must I have such a chemical fuck up in my brain? Why is it that I can have a wonderful, normal day one day and then wake up the next day and feel like a train is coming at me and I am tied to the tracks? The level of anxiety is completely overwhelming. The need to do something or to FLEE!!! is screaming from every cell of my being, but I don't know what it is I am running from or where I can go that will make my brain feel safe. WHAT. THE. FUCK. brain??? There is nothing here that is scary. Nothing bad is happening, no abnormal stressors. There is nothing to be scared of, so STOP MALFUNCTIONING IMMEDIATELY PLEASE.

This year has been the most eye-opening experience for me, mental health wise. I have reached levels of sadness and despair that I didn't even know existed. I have gone for longer periods than I ever thought possible with my brain doing it's fight or flight response. I have gotten so close to that edge where many others have fallen off, and now I completely understand what they felt before they took that final step. I don't want to know these things. I don't want to feel any of this. I want my meds to work, my chemistry to be balanced, and my efforts to live a happy and healthy life to be successful.

I don't want anybody to worry, I will not take that final step. I will never take that final step. I just want you to know, that I have seen the demons others have lost to before me. They are huge and terrifying and so much more frighteningly distressing than you think. I never want to see them again. 

If only I had a magic wand and could vanquish these beasts and let everyone sleep soundly tonight and every night thereafter.

Be extra kind to strangers today, will you? One of them might need it an awful lot more than you think.

-   B