Sleep has been a curse lately.
I have suffered from nightmares for years now. My dreams are vivid and terror-filled. A while ago, it got to the point that I completely understood that I could (somewhat) control what was happening in them. I spend my nights chasing old demons, or running away from them...depending on how my day has gone.
I am always tired. Like always. The more I sleep, the more worn out I feel.
One of my constant themes to the bad dreams is trying to escape from somewhere. I will be running through tunnels, shattering windows, climbing down drains. No matter how fast I run or how far I go, every door leads to yet another room I have to battle my way out of. When I realize it is one of "those" dreams, I have to concentrate as hard as I can to force myself out of it before I am overcome by the claustrophobia. I either repeatedly tell myself that the next door WILL lead outside, or there WILL be fresh air if I can only jump out one more window....or I force my eyes to open and wake myself up. I hate these dreams. I wake up and my heart is pounding and I am short of breath. All I can do is make myself get up and walk to the kitchen for water to try to shake myself of the feeling. And then I have to lay down again. Because not getting any sleep is not an option when you have 2 kids, a husband, and a job to be functional for.
I'm not sure if it is the changing of the seasons, or the feeling that winter is creeping closer and closer, but my anxiety has gone into overdrive. My
Mother and wife by day, psych RN by night. So many different ways to view life. I try to take everything in and be very slow to judge.