I've been doing so well with the ED lately. This is my first lapse in months.
I think I had one slip-up where it was a blip on my radar, but nothing like this. I will spare you all the details, partially because it would be insanely triggering to my fellow ED strugglers, and partially because I just can't bring myself to go through it word-for-word yet. I literally have been doing amazeballs when it comes to the bulimia.
YES I used the word. So fucking sue me. I am a bulimic. Occasionally I may throw out that term in my writings.
Moving on. I feel disgusting. I cannot describe how far down I feel I've fallen. Logically I know that it was a lapse. It was ONE LAPSE. I did all of the right things after. I told everyone every ounce of truth. So why don't I feel better?
Because it still happened.
I guess I need to try to practice that self-compassion thing. It's easier said than done. Right now I'm giving myself a hundred invisible lashes and degrading myself in as many other ways I can think of. But what good does all of this do? It will not build up my strength to fight against ED the next time he creeps in. It will not help me to board up all of those cracks and secret holes he may find his way through next. I need to prepare myself for next time. Because there will be a next time. I will be tempted again. This disease does not go away. You just get better at fighting it because you build up your arsenal of tools.
Today my guard was down.
I'm not going to use any excuses. I did what I did and it's done with. I fucked up. Now I have to rebuild all of that trust I had in myself, and that my husband had in me. And the pride that went with that. The high-fives from my treatment team for doing so goddamn well. All of that good stuff. I've got to start over. And I will.
You bet your ass I won't let this be the end of everything I worked for.
I will take every little bit of shame and indignity and hurt and guilt that I am feeling and I will mold it into something that can be used as a shield against future attacks from ED. I certainly won't be cowering in a corner and I damn sure won't be throwing in the towel and giving up my family and my life just so that I can go frolic with ED and die a quick and not-so-painless death.
I'm being real. So should you, if you're struggling.
This shit can't be messed around with. The second you realize you don't have a handle on it, you need to reach out. There are so many people that can help you, and so many people that are going through the same thing. Don't just let ED abuse you. You can get away. There is a better life out there. I promise. Just look at me; I'm all pissed off at messing up ONCE in a matter of 4 or 5 months! You can do it too. Take the leap. Make the call. Ask for help. Stop waiting for the right time. Just go.
Nothing is more important than ensuring you get to breathe your next breath.
Good luck, my friends.
- B
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