That just took me 5 minutes straight to decide how to begin this post. I don't know why. Presumably, it is because I am just a ball of hurt and confusion mixed with some self-loathing and my brain doesn't have much energy left to dole out in order to think straight.
So...A lot of people are unhappy with me right now. I am the one moving out in a few weeks, so I am the one choosing to leave. I am the one who began going to meetings every night and spending less time with my family at home to begin with. I am the one calling for this split. What kind of mother am I to take time away from my kids to spend focusing on myself and my well-being??
I'm a sober as FUCK mom, that's what kind of mom I am.
Initially, I feel like I should fall all over myself apologizing for spending so many evenings away from my kids. It's what moms do - we judge ourselves on every step we take in raising our kids. Nothing we ever do is good enough. We should always be BETTER. Always always. Me struggling with my eating disorder and sobriety makes me feel like a huge failure. Why can't I just recover from everything and move ON???
Because it doesn't work that way, that's why...
I have to go to all of these meetings. I have to keep taking time away. I have to keep WORKING ON MYSELF because I was a shitshow long before any of the recent drama came out. This is me trying. This is me being a good mom. This is me thinking of my kids.
The meetings are necessary. The break up is necessary. The move is necessary. You know what is not necessary??
Other people deciding what was done right and wrong without knowing more than a sentence or two of the entire story and then talking shit behind my back.
Stop judging me. It doesn't look good on you.
To everyone who has been there for me, thank you. Thank you for loving me when I have felt so unworthy of being loved. I hope to return the favor one day.
Be kind and make a stranger smile today. Please.