Sabbatical.

You guys, I'm tired.

Not just my normal #momtired - a whole new level above that. ED sucks. However, I have been so tired that I don't even have the energy to engage in my fights with the compulsions to use behaviors...so I guess that's good? (I haven't been using behaviors.) My nerve situation is terrible at the moment. Even typing this is difficult, because my fingers and hands feel like they fell asleep and it is hard to make them do what I want them to do. They're just stiff and uncooperative and it's frustrating. My legs have begun to go through periods where they feel as though they are made of jelly. Sometimes walking up my stairs turns in to crawling the last few steps. My limbs sometimes randomly hum like someone has attached a tuning fork to them. My exhaustion level is through the roof. My anger towards whatever the hell is wrong with my brain is beyond measure. 

I am taking a break.

My neurologist called me this morning to let me know that my MRI report came back with no lesions. So, yay! Not MS! My blood tests are all within normal ranges. Yay for good blood work! Nothing to explain what is causing this or how to fix it. The only options we have are to try to alleviate some of the symptoms by adding more meds. MORE MEDS. 

I said no, thank you.

She really is a wonderful doctor. One of the best neurologists in Boston. She understands why I am not at a point where I would like to repeat the EMG just to see exactly how much more my nerve function has declined. The test hurts, it won't tell us what is causing this, and it won't help us to fix it. It will just track the destruction. I'm just not up for it. 

I told my therapist I need a break.

There are so many things going on right now that I needed to give myself room to breathe. I need those 2.5 hours of travel and appointment time to allow myself to sit still and recharge so that I can make it through the week without completely falling apart. 

I'm just going to take a minute to step back, relax, and reassess my priorities.

I'd really like a nap right now.

I hope you all made it through the Thanksgiving holiday unscathed, and that you are looking forward to the upcoming holidays. Basking under some Christmas lights might make up for the lack of warmth this time of year.

Stay well, friends.

   - B