I am getting a divorce.
We made it almost 12 years together, and that's a damn good run. The ending isn't loud and explosive, but the inevitable coming to a close of a relationship long since lost.
I'm so tired. Bone-deep weary. Lonely. Angry. Sad. Numb.
So many emotions. I can't keep up with my heart these days. I thank God for my huge tribe that has embraced me and held my head above water these past few weeks. You all have no idea how you saved my life over and over again. I am beyond grateful for every single one of you.
I spend all day everyday just running.
I literally cannot sit still. When I sit still, the monumental task of de-tangling 2 lives that had been built together with the intentions of never being disassembled seems absolutely Herculean, so I just don't sit still. I can't. I can't breathe. I can't stop shaking. I drive around and listen to music for hours. I count down the minutes until my hour of time with my tribe every night. I can't read, so I concentrate on breathing. I can't write, so I clean the house. I rearrange things. I fold laundry. I go and I go and I go until it is a late enough hour that I can take my bedtime meds and crawl into bed and pretend to sleep for a few hours. Then around 4, I start foraging for coffee.
This is my life right now.
I am sorry if I have been distant. I am sorry if I have seemed like I'm only half-listening these days. I promise I am doing whatever I can to get myself back. Until then, you all will be there for me, won't you?
I already know the answer to that, and I love you.