Don't be fooled by the title - I'm pretty FUCKING ENRAGED right now.
I know, I KNOW, that I have always said that I'm a super-strong person. It takes a hell of a lot to knock me down, and I'm just talking to one knee. These past 7 months have managed to sucker-punch me, knee me in the gut, get some good kidney punches in, and then stomp on my grape until someone (thanks to whoever that was, by the way) pulled them off.
Let's just rewind back to yesterday, shall we?
I was all, things are looking up! The brain fog is clearing, my feet are starting to do what I ask them to do, and the worst thing about the latest possible diagnosis is that I might have to subsist on a shit-ton of leafy green vegetables. Shudder.
Fast forward to 3pm today when my neurologist called me.
Here's the gist of the conversation:
Dr. M: "Hi B, how are you feeling?"
Me: "I'm all right, what's up?"
Dr. M: "So I went ahead and scheduled that lumbar puncture for 1pm tomorrow. I hope that time works for you. I don't want you to end up having a spinal headache over Christmas or anything, you know?"
Me: PANIC PANIC PANIC PANIC "but what about the hypoparathyroidism?"
Dr. M: "I'm not convinced that's it anymore. So I'll see you at 1pm tomorrow? Just call if that time doesn't work for you. I'll see you then."
What a difference a day makes, huh?
So it looks like we're back to the other line of searching. The scarier, yuckier one. Awesome. I feel like I'm being yanked back and forth at a very fast speed and it is making me feel very, very ill.
How am I dealing with all of this, one might ask? I'M NOT!!!!!!! (That's why I'm writing right now.) Writing is one of my coping skills. I'm hoping to find some sort of divine sense of peace by getting all of this out of my head and onto a screen where I can look at it, and read it over, and just see it as a tangible thing that is OUTSIDE of me and not poisoning my innards.
I want to cry.
But I won't cry. I will keep doing what needs to be done, because I'm a mom. I will keep making sure I am eating, because I can't let ED creep back in. (His voice has been pretty damn loud lately.) I will continue to not drink because I know that alcohol would make this situation exponentially worse and I can't even deal with how bad it is looking right now.
So that's almost where I am at right now. Right on the precipice of total shutdown.
It was my son's 2nd birthday today. He had such a good day. He only got a few presents, but they were very well thought out, and he spent the entire day pushing them around the carpet and basically ignoring all of the rest of us human beings in the room. The only present he did NOT like was the one that was supposed to be his favorite. The Puppy Surprise! He has been ogling at that commercial for weeks now, so I caved and went to Toys 'r' Us and bought him one last night, and wouldn't you know it he was TERRIFIED of the damn thing?? Legit giving it like a 5 foot berth when he walked by it like it was going to jump out and bite him. He wouldn't even touch the tiny puppies. Sigh. Thank goodness for my little sister and her Bus that makes sounds and has flashing lights and things. He hasn't let that thing go since 8am.
So, here's the deal. I'm going to keep writing this part in bold because I need myself to pay really close attention right now. I need to GET MY SHIT TOGETHER and LIGHT MY FUCKING SPIRIT FIRE and figure out how I'm going to take on this beast. I don't know exactly what I'm up against yet, but I'm not going to be able to battle anything if I'm as weak as a fucking piece of kleenex. I'm giving myself 10 hours to rest and reboot. Then it's game time.
Whatever the fuck this thing is that is attacking my nervous system....do you have ANY IDEA who you are FUCKING WITH?
I'm guessing no. Oh well. You'll find out soon enough when I kick your ass back to the curb so you can go slither back down whatever hellhole you came from.
I'll be all, "Deuces, Motha fuckaaaaa!!!!"
(I get to talk like that right now because I feel really really shitty and my brain still kind of isn't working.)
Sorry for the profanities! ....Kind of!
Addendum: The two below are what push me to get up day after day. They make every single not-so-good-thing worth it. I'd do it all again in a heartbeat for my kids.
Happy 2nd birthday, Waffle.
Mother and wife by day, psych RN by night. So many different ways to view life. I try to take everything in and be very slow to judge.