6/16/2017

The Hens of Backwoods NH, Vol II.

Engaged in a 5 minute standoff with one of the roosters after he charged me while I was TRYING TO BRING THEM WATER SO THEY COULD LIVE!!!! After he bum rushed me the 3rd time, I was over it. I stopped my screaming/running away, turned around and crouched down with my arms out like wings. Zachary was taken aback for about 2 seconds, but then he squared off with me and IT. WAS. ON. I was making a growling/screaming sound and staring him right in the eye. He puffed up his feathers around his neck (and looked like one of those old paintings of Christopher Columbus), flapped his wings and flew at me - claws first. I batted him away and he turned right back around to come at me again. This went on for a few minutes and I felt like I was in some weird game of tennis. Finally, our other rooster (Louie Jr.) started yelling and charged at both of us, causing me to think that I was seriously going to LOSE a fight with some roosters. At the last second he turned and ran straight at Zachary. He chased him off into the woods and I walked back toward the house feeling extremely triumphant.

Pretty sure I won the alpha rooster title. (Okay, maybe 2nd in command under Louie Jr.)

IN YO FACE, ZACHARY!!!!!

5/8/2017

The Hens of Backwoods New Hampshire, Vol I.

And the chicken soap opera lives to ride another day....
I was sitting at the kitchen table, reflecting on the quiet that was 2 kids taking a nap at the same time and concentrating on further evolving my current art project. All of the sudden I heard a blood curdling scream coming from somewhere in or around the house. I thought it was one of the kids and that they had somehow gotten a hold of something sharp and poked their eye out. When both kids appeared to still be asleep, I realized that the sound must be coming from the backyard. I went flying out the door onto the porch and saw a HUGE hawk fly back off into the woods. I looked to my left and saw feathers EVERYWHERE. It literally looked like one of our roosters had exploded. As I stood there in shock, one of our few remaining chickens that we inherited with the house from the last owners (Amelia) came stumbling out from under the porch. She was missing the majority of her tail feathers and a whole patch had been ripped from her back. She was dripping blood everywhere and seemed to be in a blind panic. I slowly followed her so as not to spook her further, and was able to get ahold of her when she was trying to shove herself behind our front porch steps. (Amelia is the fattest chicken we have. The space was only wide enough for her head.) I bundled her in my arms and held her close and tried to make soothing noises as we fast-walked across the yard to the safety of the coop. When we got in front of the open door, I saw that our mean alpha male (Louie Jr.) had somehow gotten 6 of our other chickens back to the coop in one piece. I have never been so happy to see him posturing at me!! He was pacing back and forth in the doorway of the coop, doing his best to guard his flock. I put Amelia in there to join her friends and locked the door behind her. We were still missing our 2 chickens from yesterday, and an additional 3 had vanished sometime today. My heart was crushed.
2 hours later, I was in the basement getting ready to switch the laundry over. I looked up at the small window that gives a view of under the back deck and almost had a freaking heart attack when I saw feathers. I assumed it was a chicken who had been injured and run under the porch to die, but I held my breath and climbed on top of the laundry table to get a closer look. When I peeked out the window, I screamed. The chicken had no head. WHY DID I HAVE TO LOOK OUT THE WINDOW I CANNOT EVEN DEAL WITH THIS FARMING REALLY S--
The chicken's head suddenly appeared and it looked right at me.
I screamed again.
I then noticed that ANOTHER chicken was hiding under there, too!! (Riley and Samantha)
I quickly called Banana to help me and we went to work trying to round up and herd 2 very traumatized chickens. When it became clear that they were not going to let us anywhere near them, I ran inside to grab some frozen corn to bribe them. As soon as I threw the second handful in the grass, I heard wings beating in the woods behind me and Banana screamed.
Naturally, I thought it was the hawk coming to finish these 2 survivors off and my heart stopped. I whipped around and saw that what I had thought was the murderer was yet ANOTHER chicken who had run off and found a place to hide!! (Grace. Not to be confused with the other Grace who is tiny.)
I spent 10 minutes trying to lead them back to the coop and when I FINALLY had them all lined up outside the door, I opened it JUST wide enough for them to be able to slip in.
No chickens went in. 6 chickens came out.
Louie Jr. immediately stood up and started charging me thinking that I was trying to kill them, too. I was alternating screaming at the top of my lungs every time he launched himself at me and running after the escapees shouting, "I AM TRYING TO SAVE YOU, YOU STUPID CHICKENS!!!!"
It took me another hour to even get them into the fenced-in area behind the coop, and I have yet to get them locked inside for the night.
I can't. Even.

Waffle: "Mo-wom! I have an idea!"
Me: "Oh yeah? What's your idea?"
Waffle: .....
Me: ......???
Waffle: "TESTIFY!!!"
Me: "........I don't even know what to say to that....."

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